Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
We’ve all been there: you have a wonderful relationship with your roommate, or friend, or companion, and then they suddenly just start hiding things from you. Things they would normally share with you. And of course, your mind naturally wanders to wondering whether they’re helping the Treacherous Reds ruin our country. Here are some surefire ways to tell whether your roommate is starting to spy for The Communists.
Should I worry that he’s starting to send texts he doesn’t allow me to read?
Those messages are likely containing secret codes about America’s strong, capable defense infrastructure. If he refuses to share them with you, he’s definitely a spy, so you should probably shoot him.
What if he starts taking photos of himself at strange times?
That’s him sending status updates back to his handlers to keep them aware of his whereabouts. Observe what the subjects of his photos are. Is American-made technology in the photo? Is he showing specific, classified body parts? If it’s the latter, he’s probably showing his superiors all the scars he got fighting defenders of freedom and family values.
What if he starts giggling randomly for “no reason”?
That’s his maniacal laughter. He’s giggling because he and the rest of that godless horde of treasonous bastards have taken over positions of power in our society.
But what if he’s starting to mention some girl?
She’s either a cover story, or some weird Japanese love AI that he bought with his tainted, Marxist dollars.
But what if he’s just seeing this girl?
That’s impossible. He’s not! She’s a Red snake in the sweet green fields of capitalism! Don’t you get it? She’s the reason he’s a spy! It’s all Cynthia’s fault!
Who’s Cynthia?
She’s the Communist Honeypotter-in-Chief. She got to my roommate. I had to cut him out of my life to protect myself.
Wait, so you’re not talking to your roommate?
Hey, who said you were in control of this conversation? Your roommate is a Communist Spy! Haven’t you been listening? We have phone calls to make, lobbyists to flatter, plots to thwart!
When was the last time you spoke to him?
To who, Chris? That traitor? Not in the two years since Cynthia poisoned the waters of Chris’s beautiful Midwestern mind.
Are you sure you’re not just jealous?
Jealous? Me? Never! I would never be so irrational! The only thing I feel is angry at myself for allowing Cynthia’s feminine Marxist wiles to corrupt someone I care about.
You should really talk to him.
About what? How he’s ruining my country? How their Leninist-Stalinist-Maoist Tik Toks are corrupting the morals of our youth? Yeah, right.
It will make you feel better.
No it won’t. I don’t need anything from them. I’ve adapted. I don’t need friends. I just need my values, and my purpose, and my country…
…and your best friend?
What? No, shut up.
Admit it, you want him back.
So what if I do? As long as that she-devil is there, she’ll just take all his time and tell him I’m weird and highly suggestible and all that other nonsense those leftie psychiatrists tell me. I might be lonely, but I wasn’t born yesterday.
Look, you miss your friend, I’m worried about my friend. Let’s just talk to them.
But what if it fails? What if the Communists have infiltrated his mind too much?
Then we’ll report them to the authorities. But isn’t the risk worth it, if there’s at least a chance you can have your friend back?
I mean, I guess if all else fails I’d have enough reason to convince the FBI to get a FISA warrant and nail both of them with lifetime imprisonment in Guantanamo.
Go to Chris.
Are you sure?
Yes, dude! Go to him! Tell him how you really feel!
Yeah dude! I’m gonna go do that! I’M GONNA GO GET MY BEST FRIEND BACK!