Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Ah… February. The one month with 28 days. On non-leap years, February is favored by the gods for its rectangular structure: four rows of lucky number seven! In fact, the celestial bodies enjoy the number 28 so much that it pops up everywhere. For instance, your account balance: 28 cents, not dollars. For your own sake, avoid cryptocurrencies.
Thus, I bring to you mighty divinations from the astral plane. The stars promise many things for you this month, so center yourself and read closely.
Aries
Gradescope is in retrograde, and the moon is entering Aries, so drop Math 51 immediately and become a TAPS major. If not… well, nothing bad’s necessarily going to happen but think about how fun it would be!
Taurus
Beware the presence of a disagreeable force within your sixth vacation house this month.
No, that’s not astrological. Your father is eloping with someone younger than you, and they’re planning their honeymoon at your family’s vacation house in Tahoe. Remember how you planned to go there next weekend with that boy who’s cheating on you? Pack a blacklight and disinfectants in your suitcase and avoid sitting on the couch. You should also invest in noise-cancelling headphones or request them as a birthday gift before you leave for your trip.
P.S. The homewrecker is in your PWR class.
Gemini
One day, before the end of February, Saturn will be semi-sextile to Chiron. On this day, you will be struck by lightning sometime between waking up at 8:34 a.m. and leaving Green Library at 2:59 a.m. the next morning. Don’t be fooled by the blue sky.
Cancer
The constellation Orion demands that you focus on your wellbeing this winter. The Stanford Daily Humor Section recommends visiting America’s Favorite Chinese Restaurant, Panda Express, for some of their Original Orange ChickenTM. After your meal, crack open one of our famous Fortune Cookies, which will say, “cleanse what returns from the foreground, and return to the background what must be cleansed.” Now, buy a soft drink and some cream cheese rangoons.
Leo
You are favored by Mercury this month! To celebrate, crack open a thermometer into your shot glass and toast to glad tidings. It’ll be delicious. Trust me.
Virgo
Congratulations, player.
As you do your traditional 2:38 a.m. walk of shame the day after Valentine’s Day, you will find your soulmate. They’ll be wearing a Rolling Stones T-shirt with dirty off-white sneakers and their third-best pair of ripped skinny jeans. Call out to them. Be with them. Love them. Take them to Panda Express.
Libra
Originally, I was going to tell you that as the moon enters Libra on February 15th you were going to finally ask your crush out, ace all your exams, found a future billion-dollar start-up and finally get a healthy sleep schedule. But President Trump said I don’t have to pander to liberals anymore, so I can finally tell you that the moon is a DEI hoax made by those pesky round-earthers.
Scorpio
Look to Uranus! You will find skid marks in your underpants.
Sagittarius
As a fire sign, be especially cautious during heavy rain. But good tidings! You’re going to do some bomb-ass shit this month. Some will say you’re so “fire,” others will say “bro, that was lit asf.” But while you might think this is the month you get hot, remember: body temperatures 99 degrees Fahrenheit and above are considered feverish and may be indicative of… norovirus…
Capricorn
The Alpha Centaurids are peppering the night sky! Time to get in touch with your Extreme Ultra Mega MAGA Alpha Male. Rent a Cybertruck, drink some Natty Light and watch Andrew Tate videos on maximum brightness. To free yourself from your corporeal form, do all of these at the same time.
Aquarius
Wow… it’s your birthday month. You think you’re sooooo special, don’t you?
Pisces
Maybe you think other things this month are more certain. You perhaps think that astrology is not a science, that its practice comes from our need to believe arbitrary things to feel good about ourselves. You derive your superiority over me from your belief that your predictions about your future are superior to my list of horoscopes.
Well, go ahead then: you try to make horoscopes for others. You will find that when you try to tread on my astroturf I will blast you to the dark side of the moon like I did to every other astrologer in the tri-state area. You think you can touch the sky? You think you can dance with the stars like I do? You’re a Vomit Comet in a Gas Giant’s world. I am Saturn by SZA and you are mercury poisoning. Step off.
Because Stanford? I run these streets like a NordicTrack. Anyone else who tries to come in and do business in my territory will encounter nothing but the absolute devastation left in the wake of my wrath. I will conjure misfortune upon your house. I will snuff your lifeline, your bloodline, your timeline and even your dog’s line as I dedicate my life to annihilating you and everyone you know even tangentially. What do you think happened to the chap who did the horoscopes last month? Yeah. Step off. And trust me, that wasn’t some silly goofy “prediction,” or an “omen,” or a “Nobel-Prize winning mathematical proof peer-reviewed and cited fifty times by different collegiate journals.”
That’s a promise.