Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

‘Twas the night before Valentine’s, you still want to shoot your shot. 

You procrastinated that sext, and you can’t think a lot.

You don’t want AI to woo the apple of your eye?

Well, The Daily’s got your back, whether non-binary, girl or guy!

ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING/CS

I don’t think you need to shower! To me, you always smell like Raspberry Pi. XORXORXOR, [your name].

MATH

Your golden ratios are serving body e… Call me tonight, and I’ll Euler up for you! [your phone number].

ENGLISH

Poems are read, poets feel blue, I’ll always feel sad, unless I’m with you. 

CREATIVE WRITING

Sadly, due to budget cuts we were unable to provide a pick-up line for this department. Also, it’s probably a minor.

ECONOMICS

Let me put your game theory into practice. I got all the supply needed to satisfy your inelastic demand curves.

PHILOSOPHY:

God may be dead, but our love is real. Or at least, I think it is, so it must be. 

ANTHROPOLOGY:

You’re the only human I want to study.

AERONAUTICS AND ASTRONAUTICS:

I look up to you like you’re the sky! I have the impulse to thrust into you until I jerk, snap, crackle, and pop.

PHYSICS:

Stop being Schrodinger’s cat. Am I coming inside or not?

CLASSICS:

You’re my Roman Empire.

ENVIRONMENTAL SYSTEMS ENGINEERING:

Carbon isn’t your only emission I want to capture. Remember: my Doerr is always open! 

FILM AND MEDIA STUDIES:

You. Me. “American Psycho” roleplay. Ready to play? Hey! Ow! Stop turning this into Fight Club! Alright, alright, I’m leaving… geez!

LINGUISTICS/FOREIGN LANGUAGES:

You speak in tongues? That’s funny. I want to tongue you when you speak!

STUDENT ATHLETES:

I want to be with you how you are with your dining hall: exclusive and bottom floor.

BIOLOGY:

Want to see my microscope? Well, it’s not micro. Well, it still looks at small things but it’s also reasonably sized. So, it’s an average scope. Well… not average. I mean uh—

UNDECLARED:

You aren’t sure about your major? Well, I mean, none of them are good enough for you anyways. But, maybe I am? 

TAPS (THEATER AND PERFORMANCE STUDIES):

Hello, my muse! You make my “Urinetown” “Grease” in a “Wicked” way. “Mamma Mia!” I’d ignore “The Book of Mormon” so we can touch each others’ “Cats!” Without your “Company,” I’ll always be one of “Les Miserables.”

PSYCHOLOGY: 

Are you my mom?

…

‘Twas the night before Valentine’s, thank God you’re not screwed.

That’s tomorrow’s problem now! Get wined, dined and screwed.

With our best pickup lines, there’s naught more to say; 

From The Stanford Daily Humor Section… Happy Valentine’s Day.

P.S. Psst. You. Yeah, you. Reader!

Did you like any of those pickup lines? Do you think at least one would work on you? Hi. My name is Jenny Ballutay, yours truly. My phone number is [REDACTED] 834-7876. I don’t have a roommate. So don’t be afraid to, you know, call me. Send me flowers. Email me some pick-up lines. *sob* Pretty please. Cherry on top (wink). Please.