Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

To the Proud Boys,

Greetings my camo-clad mutineers. You’ve had a rough few years peppered with many different challenges. First, you had to convince America that you weren’t a gay rights organization, but perhaps that’s on you for calling yourselves “Proud Boys.” Then, there was January 6. Never before has there been such an elegantly planned and executed invasion. Not even Napoleon had the tact and genius necessary to defecate on his adversary’s desk. Despite the seeming insurmountability of these past tests to your dedication, you now face your Everest: shortly following the inauguration of Donald J. Trump, in the dawn of your greatest achievement, tragedy befell you when Trump signed an executive order stating that all Americans are, in the eyes of the American government, identifiable as the genders that they were at conception. Experts and nonexperts alike have pointed out that, at conception, feti are phenotypically female. This means that all Americans are, in the eyes of the United States government, now considered female.

I understand that this is a harsh reality for you to accept. Feel free to sit down for a moment. Take a deep breath. How do you cope with the reality of your new gender? You may be catcalled in the middle of the street. You may feel constantly sexualized. Trump may try to grab your… well, you know. This is to be expected. I’m here to help you in this difficult transition — actually, not a transition. Gender-related transitions aren’t allowed anymore.

The political minded gals that you are, I’m sure that you’re geared up and ready to protest the president reassigning your gender. However, I’m sorry to say that your fears, concerns and problems will likely fall on deaf ears. All strong and emotional arguments will be discounted as the result of it simply being “that time of the month.” Many of you will be laid off as you’re all lesbians now and, therefore, DEI hires. Vaccines will become mandated as part of the administration’s continued efforts to make sure that women have no control over their own bodies. Take solace in the fact that you still have the right to vote thanks to a little known political movement that formed in the 19th century known as women’s suffrage.

However, the road will still not be easy for you. You’ll be told that you’re volatile and not made for politics. You’ll be expected to adhere to strict gender roles and any departure will be labeled as woke or unfeminine. Your meetings will become challenging and unproductive as there’ll be no men to repeat what a woman just said. Any complaint or objection will result in you being labeled as “whiny women” who have given up on our traditional American values. But hey, stay positive. None of it will matter when Pete Hegseth removes women from the military and we’re invaded by China.

Despite the controversial nature of this change, America shall persist. Remember the feminist saying, “nevertheless, she persisted,” and let it keep your heart steady in your resolve. I’m sure that, in time, we’ll all benefit from the wisdom of Madam President Trump.

Author’s Mother’s Note: Unlike Pete Hegseth’s mom, I approve of my son.