Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
The University announced a replacement for the “Know Justice, Know Peace” banner over Cecil H. Green Library, Provost Jenny Martinez said at a Faculty Senate meeting last Friday. The new banner, to be raised in the coming week, will read “Peace For Our Time.”
The decision came following a complaint at a faculty meeting by professor Javier Cebolla, who argued that the original banner was a clear violation of the University’s policy of “neutrality at all costs.”
Cebolla, a Hoover fellow and rumored Trump nominee, was sure to underscore that this had nothing to do with saving his and others’ remaining research funding. “But even if it was,” he continued, “this whole time, have any of you even said thank you once?”
The original banner was put up in 2020 to promote an exhibit in response to the murders of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor. The exhibit brought attention to systemic racism and the violent deaths of 65 Black Americans at the hands of law enforcement.
Reached for comment by email, Provost Martinez responded, “To be absolutely clear, the University was not influenced by the Trump administration in this decision, we have just decided to remain impartial as to whether Black lives matter.”
The banner’s message was selected by a committee of esteemed historians and political theorists, who were specifically ordered to choose a quotation famous for “political neutrality.” They quickly settled upon the prophetic, reassuring words of British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain after signing the Munich Agreement in 1938.
Of the selection, Berneen Kilometar, member of the Post Hoc Committee on University Speech, said that the choice came after careful (albeit brief) consideration. “Opening Bartlett’s quotations, right away we had to eliminate most of them because almost anything you say that’s worthwhile usually involves taking a stand.”
Returning after a much anticipated meeting with Trump, University president Jonathan Levin ’94 stood outside the president’s office in Main Quad and issued brief remarks.
“My good students, for the second time in our history, a Stanford president has returned from a Trump White House, bringing peace with honor. I believe it is peace for our time,” Levin said.
“We thank you from the bottom of our hearts,” he continued, a smile of calm assurance flickering across his face. “Go home and get a nice quiet sleep.”