Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

The following is a damning letter written by President Donald Trump and mailed to Russian President Vladimir Putin shortly after the 2024 election. Matched only by Nixon’s notorious Watergate tapes, this letter is shocking, serving as the FBI’s first evidence of Trump’s literacy.

Dear Vlad,

Do you taste it, Vlad? That’s the taste of sweet, sweet victory. Very yummy. These past four years have been the longest of my life. Melania won’t hug me; she’s still jealous of us. Eric won’t stop trying to hug me. I’m already Yelping stuff for us to do in Moscow together when I come to visit. So far I have the tremendous Moscow McDonald’s and something called “Donbas Museum of Victory: Opening Soon.”

I’ve missed our visits. This wouldn’t have happened if the libs hadn’t stolen the last election. They didn’t follow the rules. I called a Mulligan in Georgia and no one listened. They said I have to leave, yadda yadda the 22nd Amendment. I used my Uno reverse card but nobody cared. They took four years away from us and we’ve got some lost time to make up for.

Remember my last visit when we did shots? You drank vodka, I drank Diet Coke with double concentrated syrup. I called it “Jacked up Coke.” And then we went for a walk and I threw a snowball at you and your bodyguards tackled me. I remember one of them pinned me to the ground and yelled “Lezhi, svin’ya! Lezhi, svin’ya!”* over and over again. I asked my translator what that meant and he said it meant “That’s a funny joke, you handsome boy.” And then we went back to your place and did karaoke. I love karaoke. Do you remember our song? I’m listening to it now. I won’t give the answer away but I know that you know it “All to Well.” 

Zelensky never did karaoke with me. I asked if he wanted to do “Rasputin” and he told me that wasn’t funny. You know everyone’s being very unfair to me and you. All they hear is his side. If they knew you like I do they’d know that Zelensky totally started it. We’re gonna take the money we’re giving to him and pay Elon to make a couple thousand Cybertrucks for the military. They explode easily but that just means we’re gonna use them Kamikaze style. The beautiful thing is that we aren’t going to buy new maps. We’re just gonna pull out the old ones from the 1960s and trust that you figure things out on your end.

Let’s forget about Zelensky and focus on having a special four years together. If we’re lucky, I’ll be able to overturn the 22nd Amendment and make it the rest of our lives. I’ll see you soon. Hopefully in April — that’s when flights to Berlin are cheap.

All My Love,

Donald

*This translates to “Lie down, pig! Lie down, pig!”