Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

I’m losing my freaking mind. I’m going to Des Moines and it’s my first time flying. I am in a metal tube that was pushed, by people I don’t know, really fast. And now the tube is flying thousands of feet above the ground. What is actually happening right now? I don’t know how any of this works. They just told me what we’d do in case of a water evacuation. There’s no water between California and Nebraska. Where are they taking me? And what if we crash? We’re over Kansas right now. I don’t want to die in Kansas. And why are there two pilots? Shouldn’t one be enough? Is the other a backup in case something happens to the first one? Why is one the pilot and the other the copilot? “Copilot” implies that they’re equals, but apparently there’s a pecking order. Also what if we hit something? We don’t know what’s in the sky. What if we hit a bird, or a drone, or a really tall tree. The stewardess told me I have to calm down now or else she’s gonna call “Marshall” over. That’s how I learned that there’s a sky cop named Marshall. I wonder if he shops at Marshalls. Or she, I don’t judge. Does that mean there’s sky prisons made out of clouds? Criminals could walk through the bars easily. More importantly, how do we get down? Hey hey back up Marshall! One more step and I’ll open the damn exit door. I mean how are we still in the air? How do we know where to go? How does the pilot guide us? You can’t steer a tube! The tube wheels don’t work in the sky. Are we just in the air and hoping to go in the right direction? Like, if we need to bank left – I SAID BACK OFF MARSHALL! Everyone will get through this alive if you all just get me my ginger ale and my damn Cheez-Its. What’s that? We don’t have Cheez-Its on this plane? Bullshit. I’m going on the PA. “Testing, testing, does anyone have any Cheez-its? Also can anyone tell me how to fly this thing and where we’re going? No?” Okay is there a toddler anywhere? Are you a toddler? Open your snackbox. OPEN YOUR SNACKBOX AND – Oh wait you don’t have Cheez-Its. Fine screw you all I’m taking the kid’s Go-Go Squeeze and that’s that. It’s just I feel like I’m hyperventilating, but I’m also not breathing? Is this a panic attack? It’s just that my palms are sweaty, my knees weak, arms are heavy – hey that’s a great idea! I’ll listen to music. Wait crap I don’t have any music downloaded. Is there wifi? What do you mean it’s hidden behind a paywall? They can do that? I can’t even use a VPN – I, SAID, GET, THE, F**K, BACK, MARSHALL! Wait, oh no, I didn’t mean to hit you I’m so sorry! Is your nose okay? Also do you have money I can borrow so I can go on the wifi and play my music? Really? Aw you’re so sweet. I’m just going to put in my headphones and listen to my music and oooh look I can watch a movie and hey, look, we’ve landed! I knew we’d make it alive! Wait, why are those guys in windbreakers getting on the plane? You’re here for me? BACK UP OR I’M GOING TO OPEN THE EXIT DOOR – wait that threat doesn’t matter much now we’re on land, does it? Shoot. Well, I guess I’m now in sky jail now which is apparently on the ground. I knew I shouldn’t have become a pilot.