Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Stanford hates fun. After the editor in chief and her executive editors realized that the Humor section had sent out a fake April Fool’s newsletter without their “permission,” The Daily decided to dissolve the section. 

But you know what? Screw them: we didn’t need them, anyway. We at the Humor section are sick and tired of being The Daily’s last priority. After much deliberation, we’ve actually decided to quit (before they can formally fire us). The Daily Humor section is sad to announce that this will be our last article. Our writers and editors would like to share their thoughts and experiences gained while serving the campus community. 

Sam Lustgarten, managing editor

This is going to look really bad on my resume. But then again, it’s not like anyone was reading the Humor section, anyway. 

Steve Mendeleev, missing (assumed abroad)

I haven’t gone to the last 20 Humor meetings, but somehow, I’m still in the Slack. Ten minutes ago, I found out we’re getting dissolved and they want my opinion. Okay.

Garrett Khatchaturian, contributing writer

I don’t normally get sentimental over stuff like this, but I’m really sad to see this section go. When I came to Stanford, one of the things I loved that set our campus apart from all others was our undying sense of fun. The Humor section was a place to speak truth to power even when they didn’t like it, just like the Stanford students who came before us. To all the people who have driven me to create: Thank you, and I hope you’ll read my prose in the next issue of the Chaparral.

Jennifer Levine, wrote one article that one time

“It ain’t about how hard you hit: it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” I said this to the late, great Sam Lustgarten last week when I heard about his most recent concussion. Well, we’re going out swinging. And that’s how winning is done.

Richard Chen, 51st state resident, attended three total meetings

This is bull. The Daily calls it “misinformation,” I call it my truth. I knew I should’ve gone to the Review instead. 

Mason Barrett, illitereite

I’m a humor columnist, and just in case you’re confused, that doesn’t mean anything. At this point, I write for Arts & Life because they’re the only section with standards low enough to publish me. What’s even the point of writing anything? I blame the fascist media for censoring me. This goes beyond the Daily. The powers that be are trying to squash my genius. They may silence me, but they shall not stop the chorus of truth coming from those who share my comedic vision. One day, the world shall know the truth, even if that day is not this day. Do not cry for me, Cardinal, for my destiny was written in the stars before I even put pen to page. Remember, if even one joke is able to echo in the darkness, then we shall triumph over our oppressors.

Jenny Ballutay, theoretical columnist

Sometimes, I sit on my yacht (rain-soaked bike seat) drinking Chardonnay (Mott’s strawberry applesauce) while staring at my gold nameplate (scrolling Reels with 2% battery), and I stop to reflect on why I did it all. Sometimes, I ask myself what I even did.

First, I toiled to the point of sweat and tears, prompting ChatGPT to produce gut-busting one liners. Next I endangered my reputation, exposed myself to criminal charges and doxxed myself so that Sam Lustgarten could squeeze every drop of twinkling laughter from the brainrot-riddled dopamine pathways of the nation’s least cultured young adults. Then, I shredded my pieces. I sacrificed my most coveted punchlines to appease the stone-faced executives of a newspaper read by a population so small that I would need a microscope to identify it. Was it worth it?

Well, I earned a yacht, and Chardonnay and a gold nameplate. Writers never get paid, so I don’t know how I earned it, but I did. And that’s why I joined the Humor section.

Sebastian Strawser, Opinions ambassador to the United Kingdom of Humor and Satire

My people are appalled at The Daily’s involvement in Steve’s disappearance and its executive decision to abolish Humor. This is an unconscionable encroachment on Humor’s human rights. Let it be known that Humor carried the once great institution that The Daily was. Opinions wishes that Humor’s next chapter is one of self-determination and joy. Opinions will forever stand in solidarity with our comedic brethren (gender neutrally, of course). To cultivate the most moral and effective comedy scene on campus, Humor will rise again. 

Johnny Dollard, astrology consultant

Johnny Dollard, astrology consultant, declined to comment on the matter, instead sauntering off with an air of cool satisfaction. Their demeanor was of one who had seen this all coming a mile away.

P.S. You didn’t deserve us anyways.