Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Luminari

You speak four languages, but they are all from Lord of The Rings.

Menlo

You drive a Tesla, and I can confirm autopilot does drive better than you. 

Rubik

Your ADHD meds have such high concentration that you cannot legally operate any kind of machinery. At least your messaging start-up has investor interest. 

Sign Painter

You think you are salt of the earth, but you know that you can always go back to the family business if (when) film school doesn’t pan out.

Courier New

You prefer the old movie theater in Palo Alto but you (shocker!) never have a date. 

Baskerville

You tell yourself you are okay with being different, but you actually just got stuck being a wallflower.

Chalkduster

Your parents had to send you to school with a note about locking up the glue cabinet. You still miss the taste.

Arial Narrow

You are nervous, anxious, and leave extra room in the margins to doodle. 

Times New Roman

You are basic. 

Georgia

Times New Roman but you wear a Carhartt. 

Courier

Your dreams are Pulp Fiction and you’re gonna live fast and Die Hard.

Impact

You walk in the footsteps of other alpha males like Jake Paul, George Washington and Martha Stewart. 

Comic Sans

Listen: I know you think that nobody loves you. You think you’re alone, you aren’t seen, you aren’t supported. Day after day, week after week, you look at your reflection in the mirror hoping that somebody will see that wonderful side of you, questioning if there’s even a wonderful side to see. I do. I see it. You say you need somebody, well I can be that somebody. The world may not accept you, but I do. Take me in your arms and kiss me like there’s no page break. I love you. Call me, please.