Editor’s note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Author’s note: Journalistic ethics typically would not permit an ongoing Opinion columnist to write on the matter at hand. However, the executive team’s promise of a backdoor solution to financial troubles have proven most appealing to him.
News section editors and staffers announced to The Stanford Daily community that they will take an “immediate, much-needed” hiatus, citing “caffeine, mental health and overtime concerns” amid the Trump administration news cycle.
“News has been on the frontlines of transparency and accountability. There are absolutely no regrets about the quality of the work we did. However, there comes a time when we must put ourselves first. That time is now,” the News section announcement read.
The hiatus comes amid reports of caffeine intake, employment lawyer consultations and therapist visits increasing 189%, 303% and 567% since the Trump inauguration, respectively. After their announcement, News editors and staffers left The Daily building with their overnight bags packed and ready to “finally sleep in the dorms again,” editor Kaph Fein ’27 said.
“There’s been all this Trump stuff we’ve had to cover. There’s lawsuits here, deportations there and geopolitical embarrassments everywhere,” said beat reporter Karine Doocy ’28. “As a journalist, I need a serious break. As a history major, I need a therapist.”
The Daily’s executive team is “very aware of the ‘allegations’ being made against us,” editor-in-chief Bill Owens ’26 said. There are plans to address the matter with even more TreeHouse pizza at The Daily’s print production parties.
George Triantis J.D. ’89, the employment lawyer representing News staffers and editors during their hiatus, wrote that “it’s an unfortunate situation that these bold student journalists have been put in. But for me, I’ve racked up an unreal amount of billable hours. Business is booming.”