Editor’s note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

It is time for me to speak out about a grave injustice in our community: the National Park Service’s “Fat Bear Week,” an online tournament held by the National Park Service where people vote on the “fattest bear,” is a gross and immoral tradition in which we savagely judge the weight of bears nobly preparing for winter. It is a tournament reflective of our society’s unfair body standards and destroys the confidence of perfectly healthy bears going through a perfectly healthy process of fattening up before winter. These bears’ bodies are beautiful, warm and not for us to judge. As Melissa “Lizzo” Jefferson says, “Thick thighs save lives.” These bears have a hard time surviving as it is, and when you play these little games life becomes too much to bear.

Take “Chunk” for instance. That’s not his name: it’s a hurtful nickname that the Park Service gave him. “Chunk” has been depressed since 2021, and his self-esteem has been shot after being featured as “a bear so fat Jack Black would play him in a movie.” Now he has body dysmorphia, hiding away in his cave and only leaving for the bare necessities. He tried to sue the National Park Service for using his name, image and likeness, but the courts ruled he had no right to sue due to the Park Service’s Second Amendment right to bear arms. Chunk is my oldest friend, and now getting him to eat salmon directly out of a raging river is an upstream battle. 

This isn’t just about us; it’s about the next generation too. My son is too scared to eat now out of fear that you’ll judge him and put him up on your nefarious website for your sick delight. Two years ago, his hero was Yogi Bear. He would run around the park and try to steal pic-a-nic baskets. He told me he wanted to go to college to become a professional basket thief. He was always smarter than the average bear, but now he won’t even give me a, “Hey, Boo-Boo.” I told him it doesn’t matter what he looks like, that he’s beautiful on the inside and out. We need to fix this injustice in our society before it destroys my son’s generation. As a wise woman once said, “I believe the cubs are our future.”

I know what it’s like to be an insecure cub. My parents were never around, so I was raised by my aunt. One day I moved to the big city to try and make some money to send back to her. The only food I knew how to make was marmalade sandwiches; my aunt taught me an old family recipe. I guess I ate a few too many, and people took notice. My name was Paddington, but now thanks to the National Park Service, I’m just known as Pudding.

The time to end this harassment is now! The government wants us silent, but this is an issue we won’t hibernate on. The National Park Service has bribed some bears for their silence, including Oski and Panda Express. Loyal bears and bear allies, please sign our petition for the termination of this tournament. We will not rest until the Park Service either stops this tradition or shuts down (which may be sooner than you expect…).

Notable signatories include:

• Winnie-the-Pooh

• Bear Magazine

• Fozzie Bear

• Freddy Fazbear

• The Care Bears

• The Berenstain Bears

• The Cast of the Country Bear Jamboree

• Ted

• Mark Wahlberg

• Corduroy

• The Chicago Cubs