Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
After monitoring the success of this year’s “A Minecraft Movie,” Disney executives are adopting a new strategy when it comes to casting. After consulting with best casting directors in the business, Disney has announced the following changes in their next crop of blockbusters:
The Thunderbolts*: The Avengers aren’t coming. A ragtag team of spies, mercenaries and criminals are put to the test when they have to fight against a surprising new foe. Kevin Fiege has revealed that the asterisks leads to a footnote on the poster that reads, *Starring Jack Black.
Lilo & Stitch: Ohana means family. Watch the live action remake of this fan favorite, in which a girl adopts a new dog that actually turns out to be a genetic experiment from out of this world. The character of Stitch will feature voice lines stitched together from various Jack Black characters (that’s right, folks, Stitch sings “Peaches” while staring wistfully at the ocean.)
The Fantastic Four: Tenacious First Steps: Meet Marvel’s first family! Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm are put to the test when their world is threatened by an intergalactic threat. Jack Black stars in all roles (including Galactus, where his likeness will be used for the CGI model that includes a gigantic guitar and roaring vocal range).
Avengers Doomsday: While we still don’t have any plot details on the next Avengers installment, the latest announcements indicate that there will be a new character, Mini Doom, an Austin Powers-esque mini-me clone. Starring Jack Black as Dr. Doom and Jason Momoa as Mini Doom.
Spiderman: Gulliver Travels Beyond the Spider-Verse: After nearly three years, Spiderman: Across the Spider-Verse has been confirmed to receive a sequel, Spiderman: Gulliver Travels Beyond the Spider-Verse. Sony struck a deal with Disney and is proud to announce that Jack Black will be reprising his role as Gulliver from the hit Disney Movie Gulliver’s Travels to move the story along. The film is now expected to be released in June of 2036.
The Stanford Daily Humor Section: After reading this article during editing, The Daily has decided to hire Jack Black to write every humor article going forward in hopes of appealing to the youth. Skadoosh! When Humor managing editor Sam Lustgarten was asked to comment, he simply shook his head, said, “…chicken jockey,” and walked off.