Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

To The Department (Re: What’s Up with all these Leaks?),

With international tensions and security concerns at an all time high, the Department’s leadership is considering reintroducing a tried and true protocol to help address the current frequency of security leaks called Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT). 

You might believe you are familiar with this policy, but we assure you we have updated it to be more “with the times.” Don’t ask about any security breaches and we don’t tell you of any. In light of DOGE’s efforts to cut bureaucratic bloat, we believe that this policy effectively stops data leaks for no cost at all. The way it works is simple. Do you have a question about the leaks? This is a trick question: you do not.

As we well know, news reporting on these issues just makes it harder for us to defend everyday Americans from global threats and causes much government spending on policing, protocol, pesky whistleblowers, legal fees, campaign smears, bribes and cover-ups. The way we see it, there can’t be a data leak if no one knows about it. There are no concerns if no one has a concern. We’d rather not waste the American people’s time or attention with such frivolous things as classified information. They deserve better. 

More to the point, we find that the constant discussion about “leaks” that do not concern most of the department is detrimental to our operational success. As a proud member of the Department of Defense, you have more important things to worry about. By streamlining the process of your concerns (by not considering them), we believe that this policy will improve intradepartmental camaraderie and restore institutional loyalty. Matters such as SecDef’s usage of Signal are completely private to SecDef and their personal life; your continued questions would “create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability” (10 U.S.C. § 654(b)). 

So, moving forward we expect that all DADT-issues be closeted and contained to prevent further harm to the Department. Any person who violates this policy will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. We are certain that by not discussing nor mentioning concerns about the Department’s handling of sensitive information, DADT will cause no perverse or unintended consequences for our future (including potential DADT-issues in our department members). Thank you for your understanding and we look forward to not hearing from you. 

Sincerely,

[NAME REDACTED for National Security Concerns]