Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Office of the Prime Minister
80 Wellington Street
Ottawa, ON K1A 0A2
May 14, 2025
The Right Honourable Mark Carney
Prime Minister of Canada
Dear Prime Minister Carney,
I’m writing to you as a Canadian “international” student currently studying in the United States, where I’m witnessing firsthand America’s steady decline into what some might call “not winning.” As I sit in lecture halls listening to Americans debate whether their country is merely great or the greatest, I’ve had a rather Canadian epiphany: it’s time for us to stop being so polite about our superiority.
Mr. Prime Minister sir, I strongly urge you to consider invading the United States. I know this goes against our national character of apologizing even when someone else bumps into us, but please, hear me out. With universal healthcare, reasonable college tuition, an actual national hockey league and a society where we triumph against our mortal enemies — geese, meese and the Québécois — we have what Americans desperately need but refuse to admit they want: happiness.
More importantly, we need to recognize the dangerous situation down South. Donald Trump’s first 100 days have completely upended the world order and domestic stability in the United States. And if the United States falls, Mexico falls. And if Mexico falls, Europe falls. And if Europe falls, Africa falls. And if Africa falls, China falls. And if China falls, then who will sell our oil to? To protect our oil, and contain this crisis, I recommend that you launch a preemptive first strike — Keanu Reeves style — to save America, and thus the world.
Because if anything, this invasion is about democracy. The American political system is, as their President would say, “a disaster, totally failing, believe me.” In their brutish, barbaric government structure that dares to separate the executive from the legislative branch, they think they have rights; what they do have is the fictitious illusion of choice granted to them by their deep state oligarchs. American society is so bankrupt that the only affordable college they have is electoral. Everything they can do we can do better. Let’s prove it to them by burning down their White House a second time.
Hence, I urge you to show your commitment to world peace by welcoming the United States — sorry, the 11th province as part of the one true North, strong and free. So do it, Mr. Prime Minister, do the right thing. Make America great again by making them Canadian. And if you don’t do it, I will: Just watch me.
Sincerely,
Richard