Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Following its reporting on academic espionage at Stanford, The Stanford Review announced that it had “finally” met its targets for content production and website traffic (which are, per Review standards, “at least one article and/or reader per quarter”). Review editors and staffers have called it a “moment of journalistic euphoria.”
“All hell broke loose when we published that article. Our servers caught on fire due to the sheer volume of readers, which is a first for us,” Review Editor-in-Chief Pete R. Teel ’26 said.
The Review’s website traffic increased by 1,100% shortly after the article was published. As its servers were engulfed in flames, community members reported hearing people chant “noticed for once!” and “above content minimum!” In response to the fire-clad celebrations, the Stanford University Fire Marshal’s Office wrote, “We’re just hearing about them for the first time like many of you are. Honestly, smallest fire we’ve ever responded to. They apologized to us.”
“This is obviously great news for us. Our website traffic as a result of this article is proof the Review can circulate beyond the same 13 Signal group chats,” reporter Josh Hawley ’25 said. “Finally, I can tell my friends that it isn’t just my mom who reads this type of stuff.”
Teel and executive editor Jay Bhattacharya ’26 announced that the Review is taking “big, beautiful steps” to adapt to the paper’s above bare-bones readership. Their plans include the use of water-cooled servers, expanding recruitment efforts and seeking alumni donations.
“Maybe I’ll see more of them on campus beyond their occasional one-person White Plaza tabling,” a Stanford student, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation, said. “It feels much better to dislike the Review because of their content rather than feeling bad for them as they try to get me to engage with rage bait in public.”