Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
As the deadline to withdraw from classes has passed for spring quarter, The Stanford Daily finally has the numbers on the most popular classes. We’ve listed the courses below and provided an excerpt from the syllabus.
EMED 172: I’ll Give You Something To Cry About
Syllabus Excerpt:
In the U.S. today, people are too quick and too eager to call an ambulance. In this course, students will learn how to assess severe injuries on whether they are “tankable” or not. In the case of the former, students will be equipped to create lasting trauma so that patients will avoid calling the wee-woo wagon again.
PSYCH 350: I Love You, Say it Back: The Psychology of A Collapsing Marriage
Syllabus Excerpt:
EXTRA CREDIT OPPORTUNITY:
Prove my wife is cheating +10%
Get her to stop +20%
RELIGST 99: Which One’s Actually Right?
Syllabus Excerpt:
GRADING POLICY:
Final Assessment 100%
ASSESSMENT DETAILS:
One multiple-choice question. One correct answer. All the marbles.
MS&E 101: Nepotism
Syllabus Excerpt:
First and foremost, I would like to thank University president Jonathan Levin. Uncle John personally directed the University to hire me to teach this course. Over the next 10 weeks, students will learn how to exploit and leverage every familial and social connection they have to find success. The expectation is that the students will remember this service, so that someday, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me.
EE 283: Fork vs Toaster
Syllabus Excerpt:
This corse adopts a hands – I mean, metal-on approach to understanding the practical considerations we face in the world of electronics. Attendance mandatory. Participation mandatory. Get ready to feel ALIVE!
CS 2: Vibecoding
Syllabus Excerpt:
This course will help students pursuing careers in Computer Science gain comprehensive knowledge of the process of using generative AI to code for them and then pass it off as their own. Course rigor will match the expectation that all CS students already have extensive experience in this skill.
DANCE 45: Antisocial Dance
Syllabus Excerpt:
For the socially anxious and over self-conscious, the aim of this course is for students to not feel like the loner at prom when at any social-dance function. Don’t worry, you won’t have to dance in front of others in class.
POLISCI 56: It’s Not That Deep: The Quick Fix to ASSU As a Whole
Syllabus Excerpt:
The instructors of this course recognize that tense competition and drama over insignificant matters are staples of Stanford student culture. However, as many ASSU members are also PoliSci majors, the department feels the need to ensure its students can actually operate well in positions of power. Course material emphasizes both how to properly use power and, when all else fails, how to seize it without being caught so damn easily.
AMSTUD 158: This Class Sounds Really Cool But It’s Already Full
Syllabus Excerpt:
From week to week, we will cover topics that sound really sick– maybe even the type that would scare your mom. Sadly, the Fox News-Race Relations-Thanksgiving debate must wait as the class is already full.
PATH 51E: Geological Anatomy
Syllabus Excerpt:
This quarter, we will introduce PATH51E: Geological Anatomy. Assignments will entail students distinguishing if an image is a rock or not.