Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

In what can only be described as a windfall of good luck, I managed to receive admission to Doechii’s sold out musical recital at Frost Fest on April 12. But despite my anticipation for the performance, I was left sadly disappointed with the decorum of my fellow students in the mosh pit. I say, does one not mosh with manners anymore? These “concertgoers” were so brutish that it gave me “anxiety.” If only these ruffians had been taught manners like I was at private school. It would make concerts so much more enjoyable for the everyday cosmopolitan chap. So for those out there lacking proper manners around “moshing,” I provide you with this:

Attire

You must don the colors of your kingdom/queendom to rally support and show pride. Here at Stanford, you must be sure to wear “Cardinal” red. Any old red simply will not do, old sport; it must be Cardinal, or you risk facing intense social embarrassment. You must also wear noticeably soiled white sneakers. Best not to make people think you’re one of those lowly town folk who wear clean shoes. Moreover, do pay your respects to those whose white sneakers are now almost black with the dirt of raves past. Each layer of mud on their boots is a badge of honor representing moshes fought and won. Complimenting these “royals” of mosh may win you favor in future gatherings.

Accompaniments

In the pit, make sure you always have liquids nearby. You may carry an open cup, which can be thrown or spilled in moments of intensity, adding to the mud and ambiance. It is also customary for at least one member of your party to drop, forget or misplace an item — typically a phone — among the sweaty, shuffling crowd. This person becomes responsible for sneaking in the flask at the next festival. This custom must continue if you are to preserve the traditions of the mosh.

Entrance and courtesy

When coordinating with your party members to enter the pit, pray ensure that women have first been offered a hoisted position atop a gentleman’s (or athlete’s) shoulders. This not only helps to raise them above the mere plebians of the crowd, but also attracts greater attention to your group. This can be considered divisive, but I assure you that your lack of stability comes with the great reward of perceived prowess. 

Compliments and decorum

As you enter the frenzy of the pit, yell out equal parts slander and praise. For example, “Hey asshole, I love your enthusiasm!” This will ensure your fellow moshers remain in a perfect balance of titillating confusion and ambiguous limbo, both of which are essential to maintaining the evening’s frenetic energy. On rare occasions, energy levels can pique; do your best to avoid entertaining a round of fistycuffs as you may be forcefully removed. This may pose an opportunity to peacock and improve your social standing amongst your fellow moshers, but this risks permanent exile from future concerts.

Tolerance

If you have imbibed too greatly and fear your vomitous projections might repulse your fellows (or soil their attire), remember to curtsy or bow first and then apologize for your sudden departure. Be cognizant as to not bow so low as to encourage premature projection before your exit. As you bid farewell, turn to your companions and request that they “save the next mosh for me.” This will reassure your companions and keep them from feeling abandoned. Once you have expelled the poisons in the nearest porta-potty, return promptly and announce that you are feeling “convalesced.” If upon your return, another member of your party does not dutifully and immediately offer water to rinse your mouth and stave your hangover, a compliment on your outfit to rally your spirits or their company as you move to the outskirts of the mosh to rest your dizzied head, run to find another party immediately. No further words required.

If you have come this far, give yourself a moment of calm reflection to feel grateful at the dramatic improvement of your manners. Hopefully, these tips can provide some more civility in your decorum during the next mosh and help you have a jolly good time.