Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
The Linguistics department announced Friday that it will be offering a new course in partnership with the GSB. Titled LINGUIST 67A/GSBGEN 1C, “Practical and Nonpractical Corporatisms for a Changing Workforce,” this seminar (targeted at upperclassmen and “at most, one really annoying sophomore”) is part of a larger initiative to modernize the department and “give our students the confidence to compete against the artificial intelligence systems they will be losing jobs to,” as stated by department chair Graham Muir.
According to Muir, the class centers around mastering the “word-to-information” ratio (WTI), a concept he has spent the last decade of his career developing with (unspecified) theoretical and empirical methods. Too high a ratio, and “you may get fired when people realize you genuinely don’t know what you’re talking about,” but too low, and “you’re just boring, ‘competent,’ and no one wants to hire or talk to you. My research shows that being concise, approachable and realistic is actually the best way to remain unemployed.”
The course will be taught by Gary Westwood, a non-Stanford affiliated corporatism subject matter expert, also known as a “LinkedIn power user.”
“Previously, this knowledge was gatekept to business schools and Vimeo hustler courses, but this is the first undergraduate seminar of its kind.” Westwood said. “It’s kind of revolutionary. Era-defining, if you think about it.” He did not once look up from his phone for the duration of our sit-down with him, and instead elected to supervise his Coinbase wallet.
Asked about criticism that the course is “teaching young, impressionable minds to prioritize bullshit over substance,” Muir replied that “hard skills, intellectual rigor… these are practically things of the past. We have Grok now. Lying about what you’ve been allegedly doing for weeks without giving away any marginally useful information to the people paying you? That is a uniquely human skill that can’t simply be automated out like, for example, software ‘engineering.’”
Grading will be based on “synergistic participation” and “right-sized, scaled energy that channels deep scoping principles and optimizes playbook motions.” Extra credit is offered based on LinkedIn clout accumulated during the quarter. For the final presentation, students will develop a 15-minute slideshow for something called an “H2 Planning All-Hands” that will be graded on both style and lack of content.
Applications open Monday at 5 p.m. if you’re one of God’s favorites — later if not. You know which group you’re in.