I — Vaaruni — was introduced to the concept of consent before I could spell it. Baby Nini was constantly reminded by her mom and school teachers in kindergarten that she had “private” parts in her body that no one else was allowed to touch. People are supposed to ask her for permission before touching her in any way, and she is always allowed to say no. I am sure many of your first memories of learning about consent began at a similar age, and I am saddened but not surprised that kids are introduced to such things at just five or six years old. 

“No means no,” I — Amelia — remember hearing in 6th or 7th grade, when my middle school health education teacher presented the idea of sexual-related consent. Sandwiched between giggles over genital anatomy charts and uncomfortable eye contact across the room, our brief and nuance-less consent lesson lacked the staying power that the anonymous sex-ed question box stirred. 11-year-old Amelia was privileged enough to receive health education in middle school. I fundamentally understood that “no” is powerful. As an opinionated and confrontational adolescent, I was familiar with “no.” I am still familiar with “no.” However, my classroom consent education started and ended with “no,” with a short lesson about “FRIES” (freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, specific) sprinkled in for supplemental strength. Now, through conversations, experiences and societal expectations, I have been able to grow my understanding of consent into what it is today. Consent is more than just yes or no. It is an intimate, intentional act — much like sex itself. 

However, as a student body, we still snicker at consent boards outside of frats with our friends while internally grappling with the reality of normalized rape culture on college campuses, leaving us to wonder how much power “no” really holds anymore?

So, why are we talking about consent at all? 

Well, Stanford doesn’t mandate wellness education for any student on campus. Most students are conditioned to understand consent in three or four sentences — a definition rather than an ongoing conversation. It’s unsurprising, then, that Campus Sexual Assault (CSA) makes up 43% (the greatest proportion) of total on-campus crimes in the US. On average, eight in 10,000 students experience a forcible sexual offense. The Red Zone, the period between mid-August to November that encompasses the beginning of each school year, is often a period of increased sexual assault rates. In fact, 50% of CSA occurs within the Red Zone. This is especially true for new students like frosh and transfers, who are particularly vulnerable due to their lack of familiarity with campus life and on-campus sexual assault resources. 

With all of that said, it’s alarming that Stanford students aren’t receiving mandatory sexual health education. So, we’re writing to remind you what consent is, how to ask for and offer it and the sexual and non-sexual applications of consent-driven language.  

Last winter, we — Amelia and Vaaruni — took a student-led course formerly known as Wellness 191 that covered a broad spectrum of sexual health education topics and trained Stanford students to counsel at Stanford’s Sexual Health Peer Resource Center (SHPRC), an on-campus resource that offers counseling services, free and subsidized products and confidential care. This class utilized a student-written syllabus that expanded upon Stanford’s institutional definition of consent with one written collectively by SHPRC counselors. If ever faced with a situation involving Title IX or the University, it’s vital that students understand how Stanford legally defines consent. As SHPRC counselors and Wellness 191 alumni, SHPRC’s evolving and expansive definition of consent is similarly valuable to share with you.

Stanford defines consent as “an affirmative nonverbal act or verbal statement expressing consent to sexual activity by a person that is informed, freely given and mutually understood” (Admin Guide 1.7.3). Although this definition hits on some key language, it lacks the idea of consent as an ongoing and mutual process. As a student body, we deserve better.

As taught in Wellness 191 and written in our course reader, consent is based on agency. It is a continuous process of mutual communication between partners to ensure all parties feel safe in any given interaction. It should be a process of equal power uninfluenced by fear of violence or retaliation. This fear includes feeling guilt about disappointing one’s partner(s), wanting to fit in or feeling unable to say no. Being verbally, emotionally, psychologically or physically pressured into any kind of sexual activity is not consent. If  someone cannot say “no” comfortably, then a “yes” from them has no meaning. Similarly, if someone is unwilling to accept a “no,” then a “yes” from their partner(s) has no meaning either.

Although a relationship where partners are familiar with each others’ likes and boundaries can build trust, a relationship does not automatically imply consent. Because consent is an active and continuous process, partners should understand that wants, needs and boundaries can change from day to day and within a given sexual interaction. Consent can be revoked at any point, and consenting to one sexual act does not guarantee consent for any other act at any other time. Even in a long-term, committed relationship — including marriage — forcing sex still violates consent and counts as assault.

We believe consent must center agency. At the beginning of the year, discussing agency is particularly important in the context of new student experiences like partying, substance use and community building. With our definition of consent in mind, we hope to empower you all to reflect on agency, vulnerability, communication and power. 

Before we say goodbye, we want to introduce ourselves! We are SHPRC’s co-education coordinators — Stanford sophomores who love all-things sex-ed precisely because we didn’t get enough of it in middle and high school. We know that our experience is all too common, and we’re excited to be a part of your journey towards sexual empowerment.

So, don’t forget: consent is sexy, and vulnerable communication will elevate every sexual experience.

XO, 

Vaaruni and Amelia 

If you have experienced sexual violence on Stanford campus, we urge you to look into resources such as the Bridge (student-run mental health services,) CAPS, The SHARE Title IX office, Campus Safety and SHPRC. The SHPRC office has moved and is located in the ASSU space in Old Union. We are open Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday from 3-9pm.

Amelia counsels on Tuesdays (3:00 p.m. — 4:00 p.m.) and Thursdays (4:00 p.m. — 5:00 p.m.) Vaaruni counsels on Tuesdays (4:00 p.m. — 5:00 p.m.) and Fridays (7:00 p.m. — 8:00 p.m.)