Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
The following article is completely satirical, but probably true (Contains explicit content).
This past Friday, Taylor Swift released her latest album “The Life of a Showgirl” to mixed reviews. Some simple-minded critics (belonging to populist Big Media, of course) have dismissed some of her newest songs as conspicuously profane, claiming the lyrics “leave little to the imagination.” But I, being an impartial connoisseur of arts and culture, would like to present five misunderstood lines from the song, “Wood,” which, far from being distasteful, hide a bounty of subtle messages which would otherwise remain invisible to the average listener.
1. “Forgive me, it sounds cocky / He ah-matized me and opened my eyes”
This first quote is one of poetic genius, rivaling that of English bard William Shakespeare or folk legend Michael Cera. Art historian and professor Alexander Nemerov attributes a sort of mystical aura to the motif of “hiddenness” which creative geniuses have repeatedly depicted in works of art. It is this very same “hiddenness” which Taylor employs in her use of “ah-matize,” which is in itself a subtle allusion to the popular phrase “dick-matize.” Taylor intentionally hides the “dick” in this phrase, potentially implying that her newly found love was once an absent Other which eluded visibility.
Urban dictionary defines “dick-matize” as: “When the dick is so good, you become utterly hypnotized by the guy that gave it to you.” Is this connection to charm and magic a coincidence considering the motif of superstition (“knocking on wood”) which runs through the song? I’d offer not.
2. “Redwood tree, it ain’t hard to see / His love was the key that opened my thighs”
This lyric is actually an homage to the now deceased Stanford neighborhood system. Taylor was rumored to hold a fond (but deep) adoration for Lagunita Court and Roble Hall (the dorms which once comprised the Redwood neighborhood), hence the mention of “Redwood tree.” In fact, the phrase “opened my thighs” is most likely a reference to the unseasoned baked chicken thighs which were frequently served at Lakeside Dining. The lyric clearly conveys that her lover has opened her (chicken) thighs, metaphorically and metaphysically providing a sort of spiritual nourishment which she previously lacked.
3. “Penny’s unlucky, I took him back / And then stepped on a crack / And the black cat laughed”
Being a lyrical savant, the preceding lines of verse neatly tie together what at first glance seems like three cliche superstitions — picking up pennies tails up, stepping on a crack and coming across a black cat. However, any mildly educated layperson could see that this line is really meant as a subtle diss to Travis Kelce’s notoriously overbearing mother, Donna.
By both “taking him [Travis] back” and committing the quintessential act of matrophobic aggression (stepping on a crack), Taylor intentionally establishes herself as a rival to Kelce’s domineering mother. Thus, with this line Taylor is not only continuing the song’s running theme of superstitions, but also discreetly flirting with matricide in an effort to position herself as the ‘chief’ woman in her lover’s life.
4. “And, baby, I’ll admit I’ve been a little superstitious / The curse on me was broken by your magic wand (Ah)”
Amateur critics may gawk at Taylor’s use here of the phoneme “ah,” interpreting it as a crude sexual innuendo. However, I’d like to highlight how the last syllable in this line is also the first syllable ever uttered by a newborn child. Perhaps Taylor refers here to famous psychologist Sigmund Freud. Specifically, Taylor seems to be implicitly referencing his theory of penis envy by juxtaposing “ah” with “magic wand” – a clear symbol of the male phallus. By latching on to her lover’s “magic wand,” Taylor fulfills her wish of possessing a phallus of her own and thus completes a crucial rite of passage in the process of female maturation. This is why the next word she speaks after “magic wand” is “ah:” the infantile sound serves as an indicator of her own symbolic re-“birth” into a brand new woman. This is clearly why she also begins the line with, “And, baby.”
Moreover, the “ah” further substantiates the proposed significance of her previous use of “ah-matize,” in which “ah” stands as a substitute for “dick” — a dick which in retrospect may relate to her own penis envy.
5. “New Heights (New Heights) of manhood (manhood), / I ain’t gotta knock on wood”
This last line is truly one of my favorites. “New Heights” here is a double entendre: it signifies both the increasing libidinal energy which Taylor has accepted into her life, as well as the name of her lover Travis Kelce’s podcast, “New Heights.”
Additionally, wood means penis.
All this to say, Taylor, if you are reading this – I see you, I hear you and most importantly, I am here for you. I understand that it’s hard. Like, really hard. But don’t listen to the haters. Unlike me, they don’t want to see you rise. Believe me, I get that your songs have some meat to them. But this isn’t something you should – or even could – hide. When it comes, it comes. So just embrace it. Hold onto it tight, and just keep doing your thing.