Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
On Friday, following a string of fraternity probations and what organizers described as “the hottest party to ever get canceled,” Stanford University announced its decision to temporarily suspend disbelief as part of the ongoing “Stanford Hates Fun” campaign.
In a campus-wide email deleted from all 17,000 Stanford emails, the university formally declared that “cynicism, skepticism, and a general awareness of absurdity” is to be paused indefinitely starting next Monday. This initiative follows a litany of other suspensions, including outdoor Wifi, the humanities, available public bathrooms and free speech.
One confused freshman in Math 51 asked if disbelief would be released from probation during finals week. “What do I do if the contents of a matrix are varying numbers of apples and grapes, but the matrix product in this problem is undefined?” he asked. As of 2 a.m., the freshman was still awaiting clarification from his TA.
“I used to question everything,” said an anonymous junior symbolic systems major. “But thanks to the new policy, I can now look at the shortened dining hours and my rising tuition statement while feeling a sense of fairness.” Surveys conducted by the Residential & Dining Enterprise further support this change in mindset, showing that students who suspend disbelief are more likely to think of their dorm as affordable housing.
Faculty responses have been mixed. Upon interview, English professors expressed confusion, noting that they thought disbelief was suspended years ago, right after they asked what to do about ChatGPT and their students replied, “Nah you’re cooked anyway.”
On the other hand, the School of Engineering has already embraced the new policy. The course series, Applied Suspension & Building Faith Systems, teaches students how to convince legal contractors that their dubious bridge project is safe on the basis of “aura.”
Out of all the academic departments, TAPS revealed the most unrestrained enthusiasm, as the lack of disbelief means that audiences are now required to be transported to a “world of imagination” — even if the set budget is $7 and a disco ball. The department also suggested that students might finally accept the annual Gaieties message that Stanford will beat Cal this year. When asked whether that falls under “fantastical storylines” or “misinformation,” TAPS responded, “Yes.”
As a direct consequence of the suspension of disbelief, The Stanford Daily’s Humor section will undergo a merge with the News section. Because there is no more need for satire, both the Humor and News section will now be 100% committed to delivering true, factual information. Editors say that the Opinion section may be next.
The University has refused to comment on the timeline for the possible reinstatement of disbelief. However, the administration has announced a follow-up initiative that encourages students to look on the bright side, even if the light is from their overheating computer screens.