Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Stanford University’s student healthcare program, Cardinal Care, has introduced a new low-cost plan that incorporates advertisements to reduce its price.
The new plan includes several changes. Most notably, prior to receiving care, students will be required to watch 2-3 unskippable ads. Vaden appointments will also see interruptions every 10 minutes to hear from some of the program’s sponsors. Additionally, Stanford physicians are only authorized to prescribe sponsored medications to With-Ads members, although one Vaden nurse mentioned that this is “not actually a change.”
For longer operations, patients may be momentarily awoken from anaesthesia to view mid-roll ads. “This isn’t too much of a hardship,” assured one early-access member, who recently underwent a With-Ads colonoscopy: “After a while, you get used to it.”
According to WellFleet, Cardinal Care’s provider, while the With-Ads plan “generally maintains” Stanford’s commitment to high-quality medical care, there were some “necessary cuts” to procedure quality. That said, the organization acknowledges that students who demonstrate interest in sponsored products may receive “special attention,” including extra IV bags and “fully” sterilized needles.
Cardinal Care With Ads is also taking personalized ads “to the next level,” as one WellFleet executive, who requested to remain anonymous, mentioned. “Using genetic data, we can even show ads that users are genetically predisposed to like. Or, uh, something like that.”
While Vaden continues to refuse walk-ins, students “are now welcome” to watch ads even without a scheduled appointment.
University president Johnathan Levin added that students should be “thankful” for the service. “We’re maximizing producer surplus while minimizing overhead costs. Shareholder value’s gonna skyrocket!”
Cardinal Care With-Ads will be priced at $2,744 quarterly, while the standard Cardinal Care plan will remain unchanged at the price it’s always been: $56,790 per quarter.