Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Oski the Bear was shot through the heart from 200 yards away during the Berkeley band’s halftime performance Saturday. The alleged culprit, a first-year international student from South Africa, said he apparently “got this ‘Big Game’ thing all wrong.”
Oski was in the middle of his three-minute breakdance solo at the center of the field when a loud pop rang out and he collapsed head-first onto the turf. The band scattered first, with some performers stopping to criticize the mascot for flooding the field with red during their performance — a noteworthy omen for the final score (Go Card!).
Santa Clara Sheriff Mike McStasch commented on the department’s swift apprehension of the suspect.
“He just walked up to us with a haunted look in his eyes and said with his funny little accent, ‘I think I’ve made a terrible mistake.’” McStasch said. “Open and shut case, really.”
The suspect, who has been identified as Johannes van Wyk ’29, is an asylum seeker recently resettled to Atherton via the federal administration’s Mission South Africa program, which aims to grant safe haven to persecuted landowners. He allegedly told authorities that due to the stress of his first quarter, he sought to feel closer to his grandfather, who so painstakingly seized the farmland on which he’d been raised and taught him everything he knew about hunting.
The suspect has already received a presidential pardon, with White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt saying during a conference, “It is an absolute disgrace that these immigrants, many of whom are dangerous illegal aliens, are able to waltz onto our pristine shores and commit such vile, violent, hateful acts of–” before she was interrupted by a young staffer handing her a folded piece of paper. After reading it, she continued, “He is officially pardoned. Have a good night. No further questions” before throwing a smoke bomb and disappearing into the aether.
In the aftermath of these events, the Axe Committee has submitted a motion to the Athletics Compliance Services Office to rename the yearly competition on all official marketing materials in order to avoid similar tragedies in the future.
This is a developing story. Please stay posted as The Daily investigates further.