Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Superman was arrested by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officers in Metropolis at 2:32 p.m yesterday at the Metropolis Courthouse. Taken away by ICE agents equipped with specially-designed Kryptonite armor, Superman soon after arrived at a Luthorcorp pocket-dimension prison the Trump administration is now calling “Antimatter Alcatraz.” The arrest was officially announced last night after GOP and Legion of Doom member Kristi Noem posted on X, “Adios Supermanos.”
This move comes after months of nativist protests. Citizens have been seen picketing the Hall of Justice, carrying signs with anti-Kryptonian messages like, “It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a threat to our culture,” “Make America Terrestrial Again” and “Don’t let him eat Krypto.”
President Donald Trump posted on Truth Social, “WE ARE BEING ATTACKED by an invisible enemy! We think they can turn invisible, we’re looking into the science. We cannot let these INVADERS take over this country, which is why we’re going to send the stupid DREAMER Superman Up Up and Away from this country. We need to build a DOME, which is basically a sky-wall. AND KRYPTON IS GONNA PAY FOR IT.”
No one can confirm whether Trump is aware of Krypton’s lack of existence.
During a press conference early Monday morning announcing the arrest, Noem said, “I’d like to personally thank the task force that brought down this foreign enemy to America. The force was led by patriot Dean Cain. Superman’s presence has irreparably damaged this country. He has stolen the jobs of the Metropolis’ police force, leading to widespread defunding of police and lack of respect for Blue Lives. The nasty, fake, liberal news media likes to lie and claim that we are going after legal immigrants or people in the process of legal immigration, but this is simply not true. We are going after the worst and most dangerous criminals in our society.”
It should be noted that Noem made this statement crouching behind a bush outside of an immigration court while holding a large butterfly net.
The gear used to capture the Kryptonian were provided by Bruce Waye, CEO of Wayne Industries. In a statement to the Daily Planet, a recent Luthorcorp acquisition, Wayne explained, “As an illegal alien, Superman posed a direct threat to our way of life here in America. Violent, interplanetary crimes skyrocketed due to him. And maybe he was the only one at first, but since his arrival more of his kind have come, including Supergirl and General Zod. If we don’t act now, our culture will be lost and the Kryptonians will take our jobs like Superman took Batman’s at the Justice League.”
Wayne reportedly contributed $277 million to the Trump campaign in 2024 and, since February, has acquired $38 billion in government contracts.
Daily Planet journalist Lois Lane has been an outspoken advocate for the prisoner and was laid off shortly after the paper was acquired by Luthorcorp. Lane was with Superman when he was arrested inside of the Metropolis Courthouse. According to a judge in the courthouse, the pair had a green card meeting.
While unable to write any articles about the matter due an undescribed “conflict of interest,” Lois Lane was able to get an exclusive interview inside of the pocket-universe prison with Superman, and released this statement from the prisoner: “No matter where they send me, I’ll continue to stand for the same principles: Truth, justice and the American way. I don’t call it that much these days, because the ‘American way’ means something different to a lot of people. To me, it means using the freedom and opportunity I was given to do well by my community, to live, to work and to love. There are some people like Mr. Luthor and Mr. Wayne who don’t like to see someone different from themselves thriving in their community. I may not be from your world, but at the end of the day we’re all the same.”