Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
In a recent study done by the Stanford Department of Sociology, the Stanford student population was surveyed on a variety of metrics regarding religious and spiritual beliefs. In response to the question, “Do you believe in Santa Claus?” 64% of respondents selected “yes,” 17% “no” and 11% “unsure/prefer not to answer.” In comparison, the study showed that 23% of respondents believed in the tooth fairy, 15% in the Easter Bunny and only 10% believed in the Stanford football team making a bowl game in 2026.
“This is an unprecedented shift,” researcher Carol Li said. “Pre-pandemic numbers of Santa-believers was around 43%, and once COVID hit this dropped to 10-15%. Since the return to in-person learning in 2021, this number has been steadily increasing and it doesn’t show signs of stopping.” Li attributed high concentrations of holly in the dining hall chicken and reported sightings of reindeer around campus as potential causes for this recent increase.
“I actually didn’t believe in Santa before coming to campus,” said Declan Newton ’28, “but when I dozed off during Sleep and Dreams, I started to have visions of sugarplums, and knew something must be up.” Following this experience, Newton began to explore their belief in Santa through caroling on the Row and attending community workshops on stocking stuffing.
Max Christianson ’29, another believer, said “I think he [Santa] certainly was a historical figure, and there’s a lot of evidence to back that up, but years of retranslating and the influence of modern media have obscured his original character. Like, the original St. Nick was almost certainly absolutely jacked. Like you should be leaving protein shakes and hard-boiled eggs under the tree. Think like Nicholas St. North from Rise of the Guardians. Now that’s a Santa I can believe in.”
Others remain skeptical: “It just doesn’t make sense, making all those toys for free. There’s no market incentive whatsoever. And how does he even get that sleigh to fly? Magic isn’t real. Santa isn’t real.” Gavin Rinch M.B.A. ’26 said. When asked about the presents that appeared under his Christmas tree, he suggested that this was “the work of the invisible hand of the free market.” Dani Neyer ’28, who we found curled up in a ball in the basement of Huang, simply said: “It’s finals week, I don’t believe in anything anymore.”
The fierce debate has led believers and deniers alike to call for an official university statement on the matter. Soon after the study was published, the Office of the President released a statement: “Our position on the existence of Santa Claus remains neutral and impartial, but we are committed to the diversity of ideas which makes our community great. We hope that as an institution we engage in productive and civil discussion of the spirit of the holiday season across different backgrounds and beliefs.”