Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
The Stanford Tree is at the center of a holiday related administrative debacle after publicly refusing to wear traditional Christmas ornaments, aiming to remain nondenominational.
The controversy began at a recent press conference to celebrate Stanford’s new hire for head coach, Tavita Pritchard. While Coach Pritchard was discussing the role of student spirit in his new coaching regime, General Manager Captain Andrew Luck aggressively yanked the microphone from Pritchard and said, “We need to talk more about the reason for the season: Holiday Spirit.” Luck then proceeded to show detailed re-designs of the Tree that involved ornaments, lights and an angel tree-topper, remarking, “This is what we need to play good football.”
He further elaborated that he was visited by the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future, who presented him with the idea. “I try to bring as many talented people together as I can to make a strong team. The people behind the scenes are so important to success on the field,” he said. “That’s why I’m so thankful we have people like head coach Tavita Pritchard and The Christmas Ghosts. Coach Pritchard has a long history here with Stanford football, and the Christmas Ghosts inspire so many of us in the Cardinal family with terrifying nighttime visits. Everyone on this team benefits when one of us has a vivid image of our impending death due to bad spirit.”
The Stanford Tree disagreed, announcing in a recent press statement that “as the symbol of Stanford spirit, I have taken many forms throughout my lifetime. From a palm tree with arms to a fir tree with sunglasses, I have always sought to embody the wacky nature of student life on The Farm. However, a recently pitched design has sparked some conversation, and I feel compelled to speak out. As a Tree for all seasons/students, I believe it is incumbent upon me to remain nondenominational out of a spirit of inclusivity and welcomeness. Therefore, I think I should remain ornament-less this holiday season.”
After prolonged negotiations, the Tree agreed to the proposed design, but with a few tweaks to ensure that the tree remained truly non-denominational. The colorful ornaments would be replaced with beige garland, while the tree topper would be switched out for a pale gray advertisement for Stanford Cardinal Football season tickets. In an interview, the Tree repeatedly stressed the desire to appeal to everyone and remain non-denominational in an effort to ”respect the separation between church and mascot.”
The Tree debuted the new look at the Jingle Bell Jingle Bowl Winter Invitational against non-ranked Whoville State. During the Stanford Band’s halftime performance of Pentatonix Christmas covers, the freshly-decorated tree took the field brandishing a large banner reading, “Merry Holidays.” The design was met by many with positive reception, with one attending student remarking, “I like how it really represents Stanford. It has this bleak corporate aesthetic that I quite enjoy.”
However, not everyone was on board with the changes. On Fizz, a student with the handle G.Rinch2007 commented, “The new tree design sucks. They tried to tone it down from a full blown Rockefeller Center getup, but it’s still oozing with that dreaded holiday hullabaloo. Stanford needs to grow up and get a real non-denominational mascot, like an orange, or an Irish guy. #NotMyMascot #woke #LetsGoBrandon.”
Despite an increase in school holiday spirit, the team lost 56-13. “The team didn’t get the Christmas miracle we wanted against Whoville,” Luck said in a post-game press conference. “But it seemed like the new Tree design was successful in bringing our fans and players together. I think it should stay year round.”
Moreover, the success did attract the attention of many illustrious donors, including a $50 million from Ebeneezer Scrooge.