Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Before I begin this review (and, might I add, what a glorious review it is), you should know a bit about my journalistic career. I have dedicated my life to the art of critique, reviewing everything from Michelin star restaurants to Broadway musicals. In my senior year of high school, I founded the blog Heartless* and I have expanded our readership to triple digits. In other words: I know culture.

I initially requested to review a new omakase restaurant in downtown Palo Alto for my first Daily article, but the editorial staff refused to pay for the meal. As I was reading the Slack message sharing this disappointing news, my roommate Samuel asked if he could borrow an outfit from my Hawaiian shirt collection. He told me he was attending a “function” hosted by the student organization Phi Delta Omega Kappa. Since I had nothing better to review, I decided to attend the event.

Samuel left our room to visit an informal “pre-game” gathering across the hall. Although he did not extend an invitation, this was perfectly fine by me, for I did not want intoxication to affect my ability to evaluate the evening.

After biking to the row, I discovered a line, if one can call it that. The lack of order was truly astounding. Students rushed ahead of me, eager to synchronously read aloud a poster about consent. I tried to tell the gentlemen guarding the front door that I was a reviewer, but they failed to acknowledge my existence. I experienced no “thank you for coming” nor any other sign of gratitude for my presence at their home. These “brothers,” as they reportedly call themselves, must have the same attitude of comradery towards men outside of the Phi Delta Omega Kappa “family” if they wish to uphold a positive reputation.

After about an hour, which I spent reading a pdf of Sense and Sensibility**, I was let inside. The theme, or rather attempt at a theme, was “Luau.” I would have appreciated something more substantial, perhaps “Power and Corruption” or “Fate and Free Will,” or at least “Y2K.” The expressions of the “Luau” theme were remarkably uninspired. Rather than preserving the tranquility and festivity of the “Luau” tradition, the brothers seemed to prioritize disorienting their guests. The lighting was, for lack of a better word, headache-inducing, and the decor lacked the lushness of the tropics. I believe I saw one tiki torch from afar, but it may have been a lighter.

I was also taken aback when I entered the dancing room, a stuffy enclosure hardly reminiscent of the breezy beaches of Waikiki. There was no Polynesian dancing; students merely jumped up and down and up again while screaming the word “fiend.” I don’t have much else to say since I could barely hear myself think at the time, but I am sure I would have heard very profound thoughts.

Although I initially planned to attend the event as an observer, I realized an essential part of the Phi Delta Omega Kappa experience is engaging with other students, particularly potential mating partners. What happened next was most peculiar. I walked up to not one, not two, THREE female students asking thoughtful, nuanced questions about politics and religion. All three of them proceeded to walk away. This was deeply upsetting, especially since Samuel seemed to converse with female students with ease. If I attend one of these events again — not that I plan to do so — I suppose one should start with something a bit more grounded, perhaps existential philosophy.

I exited the Phi Delta Omega Kappa home after nearly 14 unbearable minutes of jumping and returned to my dorm to report back to you, dear reader. And based on my experience, I not only advise against attending an event hosted by Phi Delta Omega Kappa; I believe the organization must receive a complete overhaul in leadership if they have any chance of escaping their fate as “bouse.”

Correction: After speaking with representatives from Phi Delta Omega Kappa, The Daily feels obligated to share that the writer of this piece was previously rejected by the organization.

*after I was, for reasons beyond mortal understanding, not elected editor-in-chief of the school paper

**neither of which I witnessed at Phi Delta Omega Kappa