Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Dear Auntie, 

My Asian parents are pressuring me (their eldest and only daughter) about my career. They want me to go into medicine and they feel so controlling. While I applied as a pre-med major, I have been re-considering ever since I arrived at Stanford and began exploring different fields — how can I keep their respect while still following my own passions?  – Confused from GovCo 

Dear Confused, 

Please remind your parents that there are many kinds of professionals you call “Dr.” and you can choose whatever one you would like. As long as you become some kind of “Dr.” the family will be very proud of you. Being a “Dr.” allows one to find a “Dr.” husband. Then you can have very smart babies… you could have wasian babies. How does that sound for following passions? Very good. 

Good luck. Have some sliced apples, and all will be O.K. 

Auntie