Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Q: Dear Auntie,

I met up with my Marriage Pact over finals week of last quarter and we had this incredible sort of chemistry. Really poetic stuff, you know? We were constantly texting over winter break, and I really thought we were going to become something, but since being back on campus, they’ve started ghosting me, and now I have no idea how to reconnect. I feel so lost and alone. What should I do?

–Desperate from the Dining Hall 

Dear Desperate, 

You should not call yourself “desperate.” There are many things to be when someone breaks your heart. Desperate should not be one of them. You should ask my first husband. He would call your Auntie many things, but not desperate.

Look around you. You are in California. It is a nice 65 degrees Fahrenheit in the middle of January. Go outside. Walk around the Stanford University campus. Breathe in the soft wind. Go stretch in the park with your Aunties. Remember who you were before all of this silly “marriage pact” nonsense happened. 

Remember that you are at Stanford University. There are so many who have the dream that you once had. And remember that now it is no longer a dream, because you worked hard and made it come true for yourself. Remember why you are here. It is not for this “marriage pact”—it is for you. 

Go cry in your room if you need. Drink some warm broth. And then tomorrow, let it go, just like how I did with my second husband. Be strong. Move on. And set down this “desperation”: there are so many better uses of your time and your being.

Good luck. Have some sliced apples, and all will be O.K. 

Auntie