Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

After centuries of nonstop breaking news, journalists across the globe announced with devastating defeat that they have officially exhausted every possible variation of the word “unprecedented.” Phrases such as “historic,” “rare” and “once in a blue moon” have been tossed into the compost bin to rot. 

“Unprecedented” has been used for pandemics, presidential elections (yes, all 59 so far) and climate events that technically shouldn’t exist. Newsrooms recently updated their style guides to encourage usage of more descriptive, subjective language such as “This is really weird.” In the meantime, headlines compete for originality as reporters write about the exact same topic. One news agency considered using emojis before being immediately shut down by legal. 

The Daily has acknowledged the unusual brevity of this coverage. According to leadership, the report’s length reflects the fact that there are genuinely no more remaining insights to offer on the matter. One editor stated, “Normally we would elaborate here, but that would require adjectives we no longer have access to.” 

For now, outlets confirmed they will reserve the last remaining synonym — ”never-before-seen” — for something truly special.