Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
For years, students have praised the speed, quality and security of Stanford WiFi services. Now, Silicon Valley is starting to take notice.
In a string of recent visits, executives from top tech firms including Facebook, Nvidia and Google have praised University network services, citing Stanford’s “fast service times” and “reliability under high traffic.”
“It’s amazing how Stanford’s network is able to support as many as 17 concurrent users,” said Lois X. Pecktashions, a Meta executive. “Meta often talks about ‘efficiency,’ but Stanford is truly multiple router lengths ahead in progress.”
A robust WiFi network is nothing new for Stanford, which the FCC named one of the most reliable universities for digital infrastructure shortly before its defunding in 2025. University administrators have attributed this to massive investments and modernizing existing technologies.
“A fast, reliable internet connection is something that we’re really trying to focus on,” said Alan “Al” Weislieing, a senior University IT official. Weislieing pointed to Stanford’s historic 2025 investment in improving internet speed, which saw the University allocate $45 and a half-eaten Cliff Bar to ensuring reliable service during peak hours. The investment led Stanford to patent its Packet Authorization Preparing Encoded Routers technology, otherwise known as PAPER.
“PAPER is made by pulping, forming and pressing wood, forming and pressing wood pulp,” said Weislieing. “You can scratch digital characters into it by hand with soft materials, like lead. This makes it more efficient than typing and sending those same characters out to agents in the same room as you.”
“It’s more than impressive,” said Sam Bankman-Fried, the founder of FTX. Bankman-Fried referenced the “honesty” and “transparency” of Stanford’s technology processing. “Certainly, the fact that Stanford has no moral or ethical qualms about anything has helped speed the process along.”
Despite its reputation, Stanford’s network hasn’t been without fault. In April, the University suspended a student for downloading 9 terabytes of frog content over the course of several weeks (when contacted by The Daily, the student responded “ribbet, ribbet.”). The download prevented students from accessing Gradescope for two weeks, lowering assignment submission rates from 5% to 4%. Currently, the University is looking into an unauthorized Bitcoin mining scheme which alleged perpetrator Emmeline “Em” Bessler has described as “a bootstrapped alpha test foreshadowing a crypto-based future.” The Daily is yet to decipher what this description means.
The Daily reached out to the University Network Engineering (UNE) team for a behind-the-scenes view of Stanford’s well-known WiFi.
“We’re really proud of the work we’ve done,” said an anonymous UNE official, who quickly switched off of a tab titled “how to reroute 18,000 people’s devices to Starbucks WiFi.” UNE also offered to give The Daily a backend view of the University network. As of now, The Daily is still waiting for it to fully load.