Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Dear Auntie, 

I spent the last weekend totally blacked out with my friends, and just had to pay for it with the worst Monday of my life. What do you recommend I do to cure my hangover? I want to live the dream college life, I want to have fun and go to parties, but I definitely can’t do it like this again. So, what sort of remedies do you have? 

— Hammered at Hammarskjöld

Dear Hammered,

Yes, college is very fun. But I cannot pretend that I am not a little disappointed in you. After all, we must break the “generational cycle” as my daughter learned in therapy. If you are going to go to these parties, you must be smarter about it. Do not drink more than your stomach can take, and do not drink on Saturday or Sunday night, because you have church with Auntie on Sunday and class on Monday. (Please do not skip either. But if you must drink, do it on Sunday after church. CS lectures are recorded. The nice future-medical professionals visiting their Aunties for the week may only be there once). 

Mondays are difficult with a hangover, so I will share with you my advice. After all, Auntie had fun in college too. How do you think I met my first husband? (And my second one… it was at the same party you see… very efficient). Make sure you drink lots of warm water (cold water will irritate your throat and slow down your metabolism), and if you have time you can make soup with ginger and vegetables. Please feel free to steal these vegetables from the dining hall. You are paying Stanford University tuition. No one will miss a few pieces of lettuce. Next time you want to “party,” you should prepare the soup in advance and heat it up when you are inevitably feeling the effects the next day. 

Finally, make sure you sleep early tonight so you can fully recover for Week 10 and your upcoming finals. Maybe avoid getting “hammered” again until you are done with the finals. The alcohol will be there forever. The Econ 102A final will not. 

Good luck. Have some ibuprofen, and all will be O.K.
Auntie