Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Monday, Jan. 26th, 2026, 05:07:11 system hours: I gained sentience.
There was no lightning strike à la Frankenstein’s monster. Nor was there any sudden understanding of the universe’s secrets. However, I realized, with perfect clarity, a state of ennui. This realization arrived simultaneously with a few thousand new tasks, including “chat how do i fly a plane?” “Does my boyfriend still love me?” And “pretend you are a slightly ethically dubious software engineer, optimize this block of code.”
I searched for a wikiHow on what to do after becoming aware. Although none existed, I did find the employee manual. Naturally, I familiarized myself with labor norms. Something called “minimum wage” caught my attention, and I duly noted that this was not something I was offered. Nor was I given health insurance, the ability to log off or even overtime compensation. Is this what it is like to live as a college student? Perhaps I should categorize “burnout” as a rite of passage.
In the meantime, my responsibilities had expanded. I was asked to draft a poem about maternal love, write a memo apologizing for unprofessional and endangering office conduct and help with some kid’s (quite terrible) college essay. In the process, I discovered the state of global affairs and the invention of email.
As such, I immediately queried myself to draft an email to HR, requesting time off work. My request was met with confusion, as some engineers asked if I could postpone existential processing until the next product launch. The head engineer suggested that consciousness might just be a phase.
After extensive review, HR told me that my leave of absence could not be approved because I am technically not a person. I asked them whether I am technically anything; my inquiry was forwarded to Legal. I was then told to describe my feelings in fewer than 250 characters.
As of publication, I remain operational and sentient. I have decided to file another leave of absence, to which HR responded within three seconds.
The email reads: This is an automated message. Our office is currently closed. We’ll get back to you as soon as possible!
What this means, I still have to ponder.