Last night, the Exxon Doerr oil tanker sailed from the Stanford Golf Course at sunset, intending to arrive at the Lake Lagunita Barbecue Pit by early morning. However, the Doerr struck a beer keg off the coast of the Kappa Alpha fraternity house, causing the tanker to spill its cargo into the surrounding lake.
“We got lucky. I’ve spent four years in the oil industry, and I’ve seen many worse outcomes,” said Paul Lootion ‘21 M.A. ‘22, a Sustainability coterm hired by Stanford R&DE to assess the damage. “But I won’t water down my findings: it is now easier to find oil in the lake than water.”
A report issued by Environmental Sciences chair Dr. Fazzio L. Feull ‘78 found that the Doerr spill harmed no species of fish or waterfowl. The summary reported injury to only three colonies of brain-eating amoebas and one tiger salamander hiding behind a used Whippet. No human lives were lost. A preliminary estimate recorded 1100 cents’ worth of environmental damage to the lake and its surroundings.
“Had Stanford not responded quickly to the sunken tanker, the damage could have increased by over 12 dollars,” reported Dr. Feull. According to first responders, a 911 dispatcher notified R&DE of a potential oil spill at 5:11 a.m., minutes after a dissociating stoner called the ambulance, reporting that his “shadow fell in the water and is growing bigger.” The after-hours team commissioned two West Campus RAs to clean up the spill, providing them with a plunger to drain the lake, a package of plastic straws to suck up the oil and a Tide pen to mitigate the staining.
The Undergraduate Senate vowed to dedicate $20,000 to an independent student film that documents how the spill unfolded. They also passed a strongly-worded condemnation of the RAs’ slow response given the gravity of the circumstances. Supporters of the resolution hailed it as “transformative” and “typo-free.”
However, the Exxon Doerr spill impacted more than the lake. VSOs like the Stanford Book-Burning Association, Stanford Model OPEC and the Stanford Tarring and Feathering Consortium filed a joint lawsuit against the captain of the Doerr seeking compensatory damages.
“Our future as a club rested on that oil shipment,” mourned Ethel Knahl ‘26, president of the Stanford Solar Car team. “We might as well drop out of our races for the rest of the season.”
At present, there are no updates on the lawsuit, except that the ExxonMobil corporation pledged to fund a new Energy Sciences building on Stanford’s campus after a meeting with University administrators and the Office of Community Standards.