“Date to Marry” is a very traditional phrase, originating from pre-20th-century courtship rituals. Funny enough, where I see this antiquated ideology most active is at one of the most innovative and progressive institutions: Stanford University. I have noticed a rise in freshmen claiming they’re dating to “find their Stanford husband.” Why? They have access to the best dating pool they will ever have: a pre-vetted combination of intelligent, talented and passionate people. 

Stanford is not the only school where this trend has persisted, but it uniquely diverges from the default. Schools like Boston College ask students to turn to their right and left at new student orientation. The colloquial use of this bit usually ends with “one of you won’t be here next year.” Yet, at Boston College, it is followed by “one of these people may be your husband.” The school has one of the highest alumni marriage rates in the country, with a prominent “ring by spring” culture. The major difference is that Boston College is Jesuit, so promoting marriage is an extension of the foundational, sacred institution within Catholic theology. Stanford has no comparable religious framework, making its own marriage mindset more a product of student culture itself.

Alumni records from the Stanford Alumni Association suggest that among alumni with known partners, roughly 24.9% marry one another. That number is staggering to me: One in four students will marry each other. Stanford’s official Instagram account even launched a “Stanford Sweethearts” series highlighting couples that fell for each other at school. 

The marriage culture is thoroughly embedded in our culture. Approximately 60% to 75% of Stanford undergraduates typically participate in the annual Marriage Pact survey — a compatibility algorithm that matches them with another student from their grade. However, only 1 in 9 of matches that meet in person end up dating long-term. Most of my friends entered the algorithm, but, unsurprisingly, none of them have married their match quite yet, or even dated them. It seems the algorithm created more friendships than romantic relationships, perhaps a more worthwhile goal. 

There is a clear reason why no one has married their match yet. Yes, we are young, but more importantly, we are still becoming ourselves. College is a period of identity formation, not optimization for the future. Applying the framework of marriage to early relationships expedites that process, placing long-term expectations on experiences that are meant to be exploratory. The people you meet here should not just be potential spouses; they should be people you share values with, who challenge you and who serve as catalysts for growth. Treating every relationship as a potential endgame risks missing its actual value: information that helps you understand who you are and what you actually want. 

But beyond the stats and broader culture, talking to current Stanford students shows how this mindset actually plays out in everyday dating life.

Anaya Tsai ‘29 believes she has a 33% chance (just slightly above the “true” rate) of finding her husband at Stanford. She believes that Stanford attracts people with a similar interest in learning and the type of community she herself is drawn to. She reiterated that her classmates are the best dating pool she’ll have access to. Even though in four years, she knows she will be more mature, she believes that values can be shaped to align together across time. Relationships can endure a lot of change. She won’t be disappointed if it doesn’t work out, but she wants to meet her husband at Stanford. 

Ella Holsinger ‘27 has been in a serious relationship with a Stanford student since her freshman year, but she believes the trick to longevity is taking away pressure. She didn’t consider marriage when coming into Stanford and says that focusing on it places unnecessary stress. As an upperclassman, she has seen her classmates begin to consider what post-grad life entails, including serious romantic relationships. The truth is, marriage does seem to be on the mind, but students find a lot of potential in meeting their partners in graduate school or their post-grad job. Ella emphasized that in college, she did learn a lot about herself and what a good relationship looked like. She has a decent understanding of what she wants from a marriage, but she’s sure there’s a lot left to do. 

Nathaniel Levin ‘29 is a product of the Stanford marriage story. His grandparents met while studying abroad in Florence, and his parents also met abroad in Florence. Ergo, the million-dollar question: Does Nathaniel want to study abroad in Florence? He does! But not for the reason we think. Nathaniel doesn’t feel any pressure, despite his lineage, to find his partner at Stanford. He thinks it would be convenient and obviously a great addition to the ongoing story, but he’s placing no pressure on the narrative. He sees Florence as a chance to enjoy himself and live in Europe, regardless of any romantic outcome. 

So, how do we strike a balance between thinking about the future and self-exploration? 

The answer is not rejecting relationships altogether or dismissing the fact that many Stanford relationships do turn into marriage. Instead of “dating to marry,” Stanford students should think of college relationships as low-stakes but high-learning environments. The goal is to understand what a good partnership looks like to you. That shift alone removes the pressure while preserving the value in meeting others and forming relationships. 

 As Ella pointed out, the strongest relationships are often the ones not forced into a predefined trajectory.

Stanford offers a rare high-intensity environment filled with people who are ambitious, thoughtful and likely to be successful. It is like the world’s most thorough background check. It is an incredible place to meet a future partner. But it is also one of the only times in life where you are encouraged to prioritize exploration over certainty.

If marriage happens later with someone you met here, that’s a byproduct, not the goal. And if it doesn’t, you still leave with a better understanding of yourself, a much more worthwhile outcome.