Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
This weekend, at approximately 6:07 p.m., all preparations for the weekend parties (contra Admit Weekend instructions) held by Greek life on campus were cancelled due to a sudden attack by a group of Roman legions.
“We were preparing a low-key party to get the female ProFros to come,” said one member of the Sigma Nu fraternity, who elected to stay anonymous. “All of a sudden we heard a bunch of shouts. One of them— his name’s Marcus — set our lawn on fire.”
A group of white-clad women then gathered around the fire. One K-Sig pledge, Flir Tias ’29 attempted to approach and is now held hostage by the legions.
All fraternity members are warned against approaching the virgin priestesses currently camped on the lawn of SNu. Members of the Mars Self-Op next door were encouraged to evacuate the house, as several “Romans” have converted the property into a temple. The head priest, also named Marcus, has uprooted the toilets, reportedly seeing the slushing as “bad omens from Neptune” (translated by an anonymous classics post-doc, currently being held in the basement).
Emmer Jency, a representative from R&DE, reports that negotiations with the Romans have been going unsuccessfully for the past few hours. As a result, several faculty at Stanford have been recruited to assist. For the first time since its establishment, the Stanford Classics Department has a unique and relevant perspective. Indeed, a shift has even occurred among undergraduates. One poll shows a turnover of up to 30% of CS students on campus now looking to major in Classical Studies after realizing there was more opportunity for hire after recent events.
Attempts by students versed in Ancient Latin (upwards of a 2 scored on the AP Latin exam) attempted to communicate with the leader of the legions, who also refers to himself as Marcus—go figure—but were rebuked.
“He just wouldn’t talk to us,” one AP Latin alum lamented. “He heard us attempting to speak but said he wouldn’t deal with the ‘linguistically castrated.’”
Several of the legions have set up camp in Frost Amphitheater, albeit unwillingly.
“They said their amphitheatre was better in Rome but our impoverished architecture would have to do,” said the Vice Provost. There were multiple attempts to bring a lion into the amphitheater but campus security and several 5-Sure representatives interfered before the animals were allowed in.
It is speculated that one of the lions is currently still patrolling the campus on the loose, as one ProFro was found bleeding by the oval, screaming, “Fuck the Gong! Fuck my deposit! I’m committing to Harvard!”
All Greek lettering on houses have been removed in order to discourage the Romans from setting fire to them. This story is breaking and will be updated.
Reliquam huius articuli partem Anglice scribere iam non licet nobis. Quaeso, auxilium ad “Stanford Daily Building” statim mittite.