Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Happy MORE than half-way through spring quarter my dear Cardinals! Looking to the near-future with excitement? Dread? Confusion? Apathy? Well no matter what, here are some words of wisdom from The Daily humor section’s youngest columnist. You can trust me with words because I am unironically a SLE kid. I saw your future in the sleep-deprived haze of my midterms. I thought there was another earthquake yesterday after I drank Cardinal Kick at TAP. I know who caused the FloMo Fire. I am so happy to offer my advice — or really — the advice of the stars… to you <3 

Aries 

Well, it’s Senior Spring and you’re still single. At this point, why not budget Hinge Premium alongside food and toiletries? 

Taurus 

Questioning whether your major is the right one or not? It’s okay honey, we all do that! And no one can tell you your truth besides you. Well, no one but you and Y-Combinator trends.  

Gemini 

You are beautiful. You are a star. You have 5 assignments due at 11:59… what are you doing doomscrolling The Stanford Daily of all places? 

Cancer

There is no shame in taking advantage of that week 8 withdrawal deadline. After all, a withdrawal is a “W” on the transcript, and you, my friend, never stop winning. 

Leo 

That’s a nice collection of half-open snack bags on that IKEA rolling cart you got there… you wouldn’t POSSIBLY be planning to head to Town and Country later today to buy even more and let them stale up too… now would you…

Virgo 

One more internship application. One more internship application… this one will be the one… 

Scorpio 

Go back to Date Drop. Do it. 

Sagittarius

Did you know that there’s a farm on campus near GovCo? You know that little voice in your head or in your iMessages telling you to stop being a loser and go touch some grass? Do you know how to put two and two together? Of course you do, you were accepted into the Farm. 

Capricorn 

Saying ‘I’m so cooked’ won’t get you out of the trenches. Open your laptop. Unlock your iPad. Hansel and Gretel your ass out the oven!

Aquarius 

Heads up, prospective frosh! If you go from a 4.00 to a 3.97, they WILL take you out back and kill you. 

Pisces  

Maybe the real horoscope was the friends you made along the way. That is, if your freshman friend group manages to stay together in the hell that’s the sophomore housing draw… 

After freshman year, the gang all went their separate ways. Chris got an OAE and ended up in GovCo. It takes at least 20 minutes to visit him. We promised we’d do dinner at Llaga every other day. I have seen him once all year… and it was at Full Moon on the Quad. 

Alex ended up in Burbank. She now claims that she was in ITALIC last year with them. We keep trying to tell her that she never did ITALIC, that she lived with us in Branner, but no… she remembers it… she remembers it so well… 

Steve got into a frat. He now lives in a room with 11 other sophomore men. They all snore and have evil long distance girlfriends. 

Mira ended up pre-assigned to a co-op and has Sunday morning bathroom duty. We haven’t heard from her since. 

And as for me, well I ended up in Roble. I know no one, the toilets don’t flush, my bed is six inches away from my random roommate’s, and no one is responding to the group chat about going to SF this Saturday… but hey… it could be worse… right?