Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
The Daily strives to connect the Stanford community with the news and perspectives to help inform all of your opinions. Although yesterday we positioned ourselves as prospective speechwriters for Google CEO Sundar Pichai, we respect the narrow diversity of opinions that Stanford fosters across campus. Google is a controversial company. To really get a sense of the graduates’ feelings, we asked whether they were planning to cheer Pichai, boo him, walk out of graduation or twiddle their thumbs during his commencement speech. Here are some of your classmates’ stances:
Walking Out – Noam O’Prospects ’26
“I’m angry! I wanted to get a job in private equity and lay off workers, but AI’s taking over all the jobs that gave our parents the American Dream. I can’t even make art for tax evaders because of all this Gemini crap! What do I do now?”
Twiddling Thumbs – Auda Touch ’26
“You said that Google is involved in something called Project Nimbus? What is that, like, the Stanford weather machine?”
Booing – Ian Cell ’26
“This guy needs to know that Google Gemini couldn’t help me get back together with my girlfriend. I texted her so many AI-generated messages for nothing! Claude wasn’t just my fiancée, she was my special unregistered PSET partner. Thanks to Sundar Pichai, I didn’t qualify for Phi Beta Kappa, all because Gemini isn’t emotionally mature!”
Twiddling Thumbs – Sal Idarity ’26
“I mean, people have told me that Google develops tech for ICE and gives them data and everything, so I should walk out. Gosh, that sounds noble and everything, but I want to be progressive. It doesn’t feel right to walk out on a person of color.”
Booing – Nora Solve ’26
“I want to go the extra mile and walk out, but his speech is the last part of the whole graduation situation and by then both of my legs will have fallen asleep.”
Walking Out – Lon Gaime ’26
“Of course I’m walking out! I just submitted my application to be a software engineer at Google, but I don’t want to seem desperate. It’s about playing hard to get, you feel me?”