Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

The Department of Homeland Security recently announced a contract of up to $20 million with a company called Compliant Technologies to arm ICE agents with a device called the Generated Low Output Voltage Emitter, or G.L.O.V.E. The device, a glove, sends concentrated electric shocks that inflict enough pain for the user to control a target. The Daily would like to uphold our obligation to fair and accurate journalism by comprehensively evaluating the harms and benefits of this development.

PRO: Officers will no longer grab their taser mistakenly when reaching for their gun.

This issue will be eliminated completely in 2027, when Compliant Technologies releases chewing tobacco that you can spit out as bullets.

CON: If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.

In related news, the average ICE agent is “probably agile enough” for low-speed pursuits, according to elementary school PE teachers who evaluated their jogging technique as they chased down schoolchildren.

PRO: Models have the battery life to electrocute civilians for up to two hours.

While you might consider that duration too extreme for detainment, you’re ignoring this device’s potential for self-pleasure.

CON: The Design Major + Human Rights Minor from your frosh dorm had the idea first, so she’ll want you to boycott Compliant Technologies.

She claims her Muscle Inhibiting Tactile Taser (or M.I.T.T.) has more advanced features, like an AI assistant that offers recommendations such as “Go for the pacemaker!” and “He’s got a gun!”

PRO: Arming white federal officers with shock gloves subverts the trope that electricity-based powers go to Black superheroes.

Last night, the DOJ announced their intent to arrest Miles Morales for impersonating a federal officer, leaving the fate of the Spider-Verse unresolved.

CON: Calling the shock gloves “G.L.O.V.E.” eliminates the element of surprise.

At least when ICE rebrands to NICE, all they need to do to retool this product is remove the G.

PRO: Calling the shock gloves “G.L.O.V.E.” panders to agents’ median reading level.

GLOVE is also tomorrow’s Wordle. You can thank me in the comments section.

CON: Anyone can neutralize a G.L.O.V.E. by throwing a bucket of water on it.

Coincidentally, the same technique works for dissolving Kristi Noem.