Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Congratulations, frosh and transfers. And other people. You survived FDOC without being FUBAR, but you have some FAQs. By now, you’ve discovered that college is like a box of chocolates: Out-of-touch MBAs stick a bunch of nuts in a sealed box together and pray it’s appealing. Lest you lose your appetite for life at Stanford, The Daily is here to give you advice on navigating your first quarter!

Q: Should I attend football games?

A: It depends on whether cringe comedy appeals to you.

Q: Does “ring by spring” happen here?

A: The bed can’t give you ringworm if you bring a mattress topper.

Q: Where can I get a late-night snack around campus?

A: Is that a euphemism?

Q: Nobody here has offered me alcohol yet. Why not?

A: We were having a dry spell. I mean, dry week. Freudian slip.

Q: Will people approach me about a secret class that teaches me to manipulate society to achieve power and profit?

A: Has nobody reached out yet? But you’re sooo discreet!

Q: Where can I learn more about student organizing clubs on campus?

A: The Stanford Review, presumably.

Q: I’m having trouble with my roommate. Should I speak to my RA about it?

A: Well, your RAs don’t have roommates, so you can infer how skillfully they resolved their own roommate conflicts.

Q: My UAD told us to take a light course load and that adjusting to Stanford is “a 3-unit course,” but everyone else I know wants to take 17 or 18 units this quarter. What should I do?

A: Picture this. Instead of units, we’re speaking about nukes. You’re the United States and everyone else is the Soviet Union/Japan/China/terrorists. Should you build more nukes?

That’s right. Start by dropping two, then max out quickly. The Hoover Institute approves!