Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Dear Auntie, 

I just arrived at Stanford University! I discovered your column over the summer and read it to prepare for my freshman year. Thank you for all the wisdom. 

What tips do you have for my first quarter at school? How should I set myself up for happiness and prosperity? 

— Bright-eyed at Branner 

Dear Bright-eyed, 

Congratulations on beginning your freshman year. I am so proud and excited to see you grow up to be happy and prosperous in university (and the world outside, which, depending on your grades, will look more or less like the manicured lawns and sparkling fountains of the campus in a few years…). 

All jokes aside, the first thing I would like you to remember is that happiness and prosperity look different for different students. For some, it is working hard in class and excelling at research. For others, it is finding the best study room to commit sinful acts in. 

You must create your own path: do not distract yourself with what other people are doing. Do not worry about what others want. Unless they want to do something foolish, like not charge their phone before a day-trip to San Francisco. Or believe that shower shoes are “optional.” Then it may be time to worry. However, when it comes to academics, careers,and the path towards graduate schools, everyone can only succeed in their own way, and Auntie would not be Auntie if she followed what your mother did when she was young. Nothing against your mother—but she is not me. And I think we can all be happy and prosper for that. 

Other than academics, I can tell you now that the food will be bad at times, but you can improve upon it, as I’m sure you have read. You are here for a reason, and one of those is that Stanford believes you have an innovative instinct. Use it. Parties happen all the time, but so do midterms. Remember to balance your life. Do not let the silly dating traditions like “Marriage Pact” or “DateDrop,” which you will soon learn of, distract you from the rest of Stanford University. There are gorgeous people everywhere. There are Green Library’s special collections only in Green Library. 

If you want to find other Asian people on campus, you need only go outside. But if you want to find people who come together to celebrate being Asian together and support each other, here are some groups you might be interested in:

• Asia-Pacific Students Entrepreneurial Society (ASES)
• Association of Chinese Students and Scholars at Stanford (ACSSS)
• Asian American Activities Center

There are many groups, and I am sure you are overwhelmed with all the things happening at Stanford University all the time. You could start with the A³C and branch out from there—I’m sure the people there will show you around. And they have a wonderful snack bin and study space, maybe you will find a “cute” future doctor there—to study with, of course. 

Good luck. And if you ever miss home, Auntie is only a few streets away. 

Best of luck, and have some sliced apples, 

Auntie