Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Shocked by his roommate’s arbitrary distinctions between sweeteners, junior Emory Connow ‘28 explained that he was unfamiliar with differences between purportedly white sugar and its allegedly brown counterpart. “I can’t taste color. I don’t know what the Skittles folks are talking about,” he said.
After Daily reporters pointed out text on the flavoring packet, Connow nodded slowly. “I suppose I am using a sugar packet of brown coloration,” he said, reading the packet’s ripped label as he turned down the beebadoobee playing on his wired earbuds. “And look at that. It’s healthier. Heh.” After this comment, Connow walked away while reading aloud assorted bell hooks.
Connow’s roommate, Moe Khah ‘28, disputed Connow’s inability to tell flavorings apart. “The dining halls have stocked more whites every year but he still manages to pick out a Sugar in the Raw. Last week, in Wilbur, he told me, ‘Hey, this says turbinado on it. Now isn’t that diverse?’ What does that even mean?”
Connow shrugged off his friend’s skepticism in a later interview. “He always invents things like this. When I first moved in, he asked what was playing on my side of the dorm: white noise, pink noise, brown noise. I can’t hear color. Can you?” He offered another example. “He hung a rainbow flag on our wall–I don’t see the appeal. They’re visually fifty shades of gray, give or take forty-three. I can’t see color. Can you?”
As of publishing, Connow and Khah were scrutinizing promotional material from Stanford Dining featuring the two students and their drinks of choice. Khah noted that Stanford’s image editor had changed all the assorted sweeteners to exclusively brown sugar, along with Khah’s own tea mug to a generic drink cup filled with strawberry matcha. A spokesperson for the University explained that the picture, and others like it, helped feature Stanford’s diverse dietary preferences across campus.
“I suppose so, but why am I holding white sugar in this?” asked Connow, examining the person shoulder-to-shoulder with his roommate that would have been him except for the differences between their ethnicities and genders. “That isn’t me.”