Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
“I’m at the end of my rope, man—is that mint chocolate chip?” perked up chemical engineering student James Nguyen ’28.
Cherubs played melodic scales on tiny harps as Nguyen staggered over to Florence Moore Hall’s ice cream section and, with trembling hands, placed three scoops of ice cream into a bowl before stumbling back to the waiting company of his friends.
Nguyen, whose academic schedule and various extracurriculars had been pummeling the ever-loving life out of him, reportedly savored the brief respite from campus life the sweet mint chocolate chip ice cream gave him. It filled him with the joy of a soldier returning from war to their family.
Faced with rejection after rejection from clubs, a recent breakup with a girlfriend of two years after learning she was born in Berkeley, and the mysterious disappearance of his bicycle, sources report that James’ one last reason for remaining tethered to this mortal coil is the sweet siren song of ice cream served in Flomo dining. Indeed, that day proved to be particularly harrowing for the chem major.
At 1 p.m., Nguyen had woken up in Faisan lounge following a long night spooning a molecular model. Slipping on a wig to cover up the fact that he had burned off all his hair in a freak Bunsen burner and banana peel incident, Nguyen trudged towards the dining hall in search of sustenance.
Just prior to entering the dining hall, credible sources confirmed that a gang of biology majors, resentful over having to take organic chemistry, forcibly seized Nguyen and began walloping the poor junior, who was left with multiple broken bones.
Following the beatdown, Nguyen checked his Outlook emails. After seeing a notification that his midterm had been graded, Nguyen wept heavily, ripping his jacket in two while screaming at the sky. Bystanders were initially concerned before spotting his novelty “Element of Surprise” periodic table t-shirt, undeniable proof Nguyen had made the questionable decision to become a chem major.
Once Nguyen had built up the courage to check Canvas, he was immediately scorched by a beam of pure concentrated energy that emanated out from his cell phone. Albeit without eyebrows, Nguyen managed to make out that he scored a 1 on his midterm. Thankfully, this placed him in the top 30th percentile of the class. However, the junior’s PSET partner then savagely blasted through the Do Not Disturb setting on his phone to remind him about assignments in CHEM 123 (Organic Polyfunctional Compounds), CHEM 124 (Organic Chemistry Library), CHEM 181 (Biochemistry I) and CHEM 181 (again).
Passing three people who, at one point, he had been pretty close with but drifted apart after deciding to subject himself to the torturous schedule of a chemistry student, Nguyen managed to secure a corner table just as an engineering major vacated it. Nguyen wiped off the aspiring FAANG employee’s puddle of tears to make room for his own.
It was then that he spotted a student walk by with a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
At press time, Nguyen collapsed into a ball and screamed uncontrollably. Whether this was due to anguish or the fact that we all scream for ice cream remains unclear.