Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Ah, Halloween. Though you may be tempted to bring your gourd down this season, your entire reputation hinges on how you represent yourself this holiday weekend.
How true to your heart should your costume be? Not so little that you show off your soullessness, but not so authentic that you repel other people. How much chocolate should you consume? A pragmatic Halloweener might argue that gorging yourself on candy is good because it’ll increase your desire for water, and your inebriated behind might need that extra push at 2 A.M… but not so many Mars Bars that it looks like you went bobbing for apples in a toilet stall. And what parties and pregames and PSETs should you give up on?
Things are complicated. It’s like Dracula’s around — the stakes have never been higher. Well, it looks like the Humor Section chose to be the Avengers this year, because we want to save you while preserving the status quo. Our advice will steer you right, but remember: it’s not trick-or-treating, it’s networking, but for candy instead of a job.
- Ask your diverse friends what the most unconventional costume you can wear without culturally appropriating from them is to show that you care.
Then, to show that you value their perspective, don the costume.
- On a budget? Tattoo yourself with a Sharpie and carry your liquor around for a cheap Pete Hegseth costume!
For more tips, reach out to me on Signal.
- Test your Halloween costume’s flammability near an open flame before you go to the party with a fog machine.
Pair with tip #2 for best results.
- Check for Ring doorbells before taking more than one piece from a candy bowl.
Either way, take the entire bowl of candy, especially if the sign says to take only one. You’re in costume.
- Despite conventional wisdom, taking candy from a baby can actually be quite hard if the baby isn’t separated from its parents — take its parents too.
I meant take them to dinner. Geez!
- Candy corn isn’t for eating, but for smelling. Did you know they make candy corn in the same factory as yellow snow?
“Orange” you glad you learned something new today? Get it? Get it?
- Strategically position a razor blade in your candy bowl so that no one takes any.
Now you don’t have to buy more, and you can save on next year’s vampire costume if you play your cards right!
- Don’t pump kin. That’s incest.
Save it for your “boo.”