Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Following the removal of an AI-generated image of an entirely male and white Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band (LSJUMB), R&DE has released a statement blaming the controversy on an honest mix-up.
“Staff tasked with promoting the Band misheard lyrics of the LSJUMB’s fight song as ‘All White Now,’ rather than ‘All Right Now,”’ read the statement published in the Stanford Report. “Promoters were thus confused and utilized AI image editing tools to rectify the amount of diversity in the image.”
Ever since the 1972 Rose Bowl, English rock band Free’s 1970 hit “All Right Now” has been the University’s unofficial official fight song. True to the Stanford tradition of having little to no school spirit, 99% of students remain unaware of this fact, which prompted R&DE staff to promote the song to disastrous effect. The final result showed a Band proportionately whiter than Portland, Oregon.
Leeann Howard, an R&DE spokeswoman, replied to the Daily’s requests for comment with an AI-generated email.
“Stanford is committed to inclusion. We’re committed to including white voices in Palo Alto,” Howard said. “We’ve only used AI to race-swap students twice — and honestly? That’s not bad. I mean, how could we be racist? Some of our best friends are HBCUs.”
Given that the majority of Stanford students are neither male nor white, members of the Stanford community have been angered over the University’s actions. This controversy marks the latest in a string of incidents involving the University using AI to generate or alter images of minorities, as opposed to the normal practice of universities harassing students of color for carefully curated photos.
“If I wanted to pay $100,000 a year just to be racially marginalized, I’d have gone to Harvard,” Dean Freedman ’29 told the Daily.
Following days of receiving nothing but AI-generated responses to inquiries for comment, Daily reporters tracked down University staff. When reached for comment, Howard told reporters that using AI was the only viable option.
“If we wanted to get a sufficiently white ensemble, we knew that we’d have to put a lot of effort in — after all, the Band isn’t a Republican convention,” Howard explained.
When questioned why the University was so careless as to mishear lyrics that are publicly available online, Howard hopped onto an e-bike and ran over multiple students in an attempt to flee.
The Daily’s finest reporters held glass cups up to closed-door R&DE meetings in order to get the inside scoop on the situation, which presumably would have been less effective had the doors been open. Reports indicate that the University is experiencing a degree of internal strife over the public backlash to their actions.
“Well, last time we turned some Hispanic kid Black, and now we turned some other kids white, and people are still mad? How many good AI images do we have to make to cancel all this out?” asked one unidentified staff member.
“It’s okay, third time’s the charm,” another unidentified staff member is heard saying, while Claude booted up on their desktop screen.
“We could use the already available photographs instead,” a third staff member says, before both previous voices begin vigorously shushing them. Claude then begins speaking for the staff member, recommending that the University install a data center on campus.
Likely in response to this controversy, Stanford has announced the creation of a new diversity slider to be installed on all University websites, allowing students to customize images with the level of racial diversity that best appeals to them.