Like a fair number of people who have grown up involved in political activism, I spent years waiting for my turn to vote — in elections more important than class president, that is. When I turned 18 last year, I was overjoyed to finally be eligible to cast my ballot.

Getting to vote felt like moving from the kids’ table to the grown-up table during Thanksgiving. After all, my family had raised me to see voting as a rite of passage into full adulthood. Finally, it felt like I was doing something instead of just standing around holding protest signs or reposting reels. Last June, I was so eager to vote that I researched all the candidates and filled out my ballot the day it arrived, only to find out it was the example ballot and not the real thing.

This election is the second time I’ve filled out my ballot, sealed it, and chucked it in the mail. This time, I cast my ballot with less excitement and more apprehension. More than ever, I am aware of the reality that the vote I cast has ramifications for myself and my community.

I believe this newfound hesitancy is partially a product of years watching a corrupt administration systematically dismantle many of the institutions I was raised to respect. In an election that’s seemingly become a referendum on Trump, voting holds a heightened sense of responsibility because it’s one of the few remaining ways to, y’know, do something. Of course, that also means abstaining from voting is standing by and passively accepting whatever happens.

Most of this awareness has just been a result of growing up. Becoming an adult and moving to college multiplied the number of responsibilities I have. I’ve been juggling jobs, clubs, school and a social life, knowing I have to take responsibility for everything I do and the consequences. That’s fresh and interesting, of course, but also a little scary. It’s scary to know that my vote could plausibly be the difference between someone getting or being denied healthcare, or a lawyer or food. That knowledge slowed me down more than usual this year as I pored over campaign websites and scrutinized candidates.

Voting has always been an important responsibility, but now it’s one that I, as a citizen who would like to have a say in how my country is run, must bear. I hope that as time goes on, it will become more mundane for me — the process of participating in democracy more natural. But I also hope that I won’t forget the weight behind each vote and the responsibility that rests on my shoulders every time I seal up my envelope.