After ordering 200 artisan-crafted mason jars, the kitchen manager of the Kairos coop was tragically upset to discover every jar had been smashed Thursday night. Members of Kairos suspect that Phi Psi purposefully broke the jars in a fit of jealousy.
“I walked into the kitchen,” said the Kairos kitchen manager (KM) through tears, “and saw the jars in pieces like my broken heart.”
Tensions have been rising between the houses for the last few weeks. According to members of Kairos, the purchase of the jars has caused massive uproar in Phi Psi, which prides itself on its cutting-edge glassware.
“Honestly, we’re the engineering frat,” said an irate member of Phi Psi. “If anyone appreciates the gentle curve of an artisan mason jar, it’s us.”
Kairos residents, who have requested anonymity, report that several members of Phi Psi had been caught casting furtive glances across their shared patio space at Kairos residents as they snack on yogurt and granola in the mason jars during breakfast.
The jars, made by a team of unnamed artisan rodents in West Oakland from locally sourced crystal, cost upwards of $400 each to purchase. Kairos wanted a more “upscale” approach to their famed Wine and Cheese nights on Wednesday evenings, but maintain that the jars are about more than aesthetics.
“It’s obviously not about showing off,” added the KM. “It’s that we really appreciate artistic products with everyday uses, especially when made hyper-hyper locally.”
According to one Kairos resident, the daily life at the house has been drastically altered since the incident.
“Not only is it hard to imagine the level of uncontained bad energy that someone would have to have to do such a thing, but our daily lives have been disrupted,” said the resident. “We literally had to pay full price for coffee in a disposable cup.”
The disturbance has been noticed by students outside the coop as well. According to one student in PHIL 80, “Mind, Matter, and Meaning,” there was a noticeable lack of herbal tea scent in class.
Other coops have taken measures to protect their own glassware. EBF, which typically hosts a happy hour each week, is considering suspending their socials or at least restricting the kitchen area.
As the investigation continues, the Kairos KM says that more mason jars are on their way. The coop luckily keeps a strong funding base for artisan glassware.
“Nevertheless,” said the KM, “we intend to watch the unfolding investigation very closely.”
Editor’s note: This article is part of The Daily’s April Fools’ Day coverage. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of entertainment only.