It seems as though many moms over Family Weekend suddenly realize one very important thing about their college kid: no, their kid wasn’t lying about what a mess their room is (or, alternatively, that their child was lying about how clean their room is).

And if you are anything like me, by the end of Week 7 of winter quarter, your room looks and feels as though a miniature tornado had just hit not moments ago – and you weren’t able to clean it in time for Family Weekend. (Click here for more musings on how gross and scattered my room was.)

Good thing we have wonderful, caring, supportive parents to help us out! Presenting: the stages of convincing your parents (but really, just your mom) to clean your room over Family Weekend.

1. Subtly or not-so-subtly mention the problem before Family Weekend. Repeatedly. “My room is a kind of a mess. Just a little.” Alternatively, “MOOOM HELP MEEEE IT’S SO MESSY IT IS RUINING MY LIFE AND CLUTTERING MY MIND. I STAY UP ALL NIGHT IN SHEER TERROR. Also I think the papers on the ground are going to murder me.”  (Truly, my room’s messiness made me feel almost claustrophobic, and did not in any way help my state of mind during midterms last week.)
2. Upon greeting parents, initially avoid the problem. “Oh, we probably won’t even have time to go to my room. Gotta do so much other stuff. Meet all my friends, my RAs, my RF, my RF’s pets, the dining hall … ” Also, as an added bonus, tell them your room is off limits because there’s a funny smell in the hallway and you don’t want to offend their poor nostrils.
3. Finally cave and walk them carefully to your room/The Depths of Hell Itself. This walk is treacherous and you will be hating yourself more and more with each step, dreading the moment of reveal – but it will be worth it in the end.
4. Open door. Do this slowly, inch by inch, so as not to overwhelm your family.
5. Realize that you forgot to take off incriminating and/or indecent signage attached to your door. For example, a heart cut-out from MixedCo’s Love Sucks concert that reads, “Fuck me like Math 51.” Attempt to surreptitiously remove said signage 10 minutes into cleanup, only to belatedly realize that nowhere is safe.
6. Take in parents’ reactions. If you parents are anything like mine, your father will grin widely and shake his head (then promptly step to the side and check his email). Your mother, on the other hand, will look at you with despair painted plainly on her aging face and will mutter “Oh, honey” and other worried, motherly utterances for about five consecutive minutes before resolving to do something about it.
7. For inspiration, show your mother the beautiful room of a dorm-mate who lives down the hall. Upon opening their door, turn on the lights and watch as your mother’s face lights up. (And then take a moment to feel badly that your room is not that nice – yet.)
8. Watch as your mother formulates a game plan and takes over the entire operation. Her eyes will harden and her mouth will curl upwards in a determined, motherly, I-have-a-plan smile. She will then say, rather aggressively, to her husband, “We MUST go to the container store IMMEDIATELY.”
9. Rearrange furniture. This will start off with an innocent motherly suggestion: “I really do think your bed should be pushed over there,” which will the snowball into Operation Move Everything. This involves moving of the bed, relocating of the desk, changing of the sheets and other fun exercises in Room Renovation 106A/B/X. You will, throughout this process, find things that you thought you had lost many months ago! Like, for example, a whole pack of razorblades that you assumed had disappeared into the ether. Nope, they were just behind your desk for five months. Fatherly assistance will also be useful for approximately five to 10 minutes.
10. Pick up/sort your garbage. Many, many, many walks to the dumpster. (The Serra-Donner dumpster was overflowing on Saturday. The garbage also seemed to multiply exponentially with each trip I took.)
11. Put everything into CONTAINERS. This is quite literally the most fun you will ever have with any cleanup job ever. Containers are magical. Your mother has already (somehow) bought a million different kinds of all shapes, sizes, and colors, and will proceed to take all the shit that has been piled on your desk since Week 1 of fall quarter and pack it all into nice little boxes. Suddenly, everything seems so much more manageable, moveable and CLEAN. The room brightens, the sun spills in through the window and everything sparkles. The heavens have smiled upon you today. But there’s one more thing …
12. Laundry. How could you forget! Be sure to leave two large baskets of laundry more or less blocking your door and act surprised when your mother offers to fold it – and then DOES. (You, of course, help with the folding and putting away of said laundry.)
13. Done! Your room is impeccable and scarily spacious. The closet has been redone, and the shelves are now nice and orderly. You are confused and grateful and utterly bewildered at how this only took two hours. BUT ‘TIS DONE. YOUR MOTHER IS A SUPER WOMAN FOR WHOM YOU ARE FOREVER GRATEFUL.
14. And now … we wait. Hopefully, your room will stay like this for the rest of the year. Next up, convince your parents to take you out to dinner and then maybe get CREAM for dessert …

Contact Matt Bernstein at mbernstein ‘at’ stanford.edu.