On Saturday afternoon, Daily reporters had the privilege of interviewing three Hoover fellows for their almost-as-good-as-fact opinions on the COVID-19 situation. They were asked a series of questions regarding the effect it has had on the general public and the American economy. 

The first to answer stated that he “just didn’t think that social distancing was that conducive to war” and that he wasn’t sure “how we were supposed to keep private military defense companies afloat without irrational and aggressive measures across the seas.” 

The other fellows nodded in agreement as he spoke — then one added, “People are scared, but dying is not the worst thing that can happen to you!” They explained possibly worser situations such as “the world finding out you paid for your mistress’ abortion while running for Congress on a pro-life platform.” 

The third fellow was more vocal in addressing complaints from Americans.

“I don’t understand why people are complaining about the government giving them free money,” he said. “They should be happy with the sheer generosity of this administration.”

“Additionally, $1,200 is plenty to live off of,” he said as he brushed some lint off of his $3,000 suit. “People just need to be smart with their money.” 

Altogether, the three fellows agreed that there is an exact monetary value of every human life, and that it is never high enough to be worth staying home. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Jenna Ruzekowicz at jruzekow ‘at’ stanford.edu.