Dear Concerned Student,

Unfortunately, I cannot grant you these academic accommodations because I am not able to tell which of you students are “Black” and which are not. 

This is because I don’t see color. 

You say that the economics faculty has a diversity problem, but honestly, that is hurtful. 

As you can see, I am not only a finance professor, I am also a venture capitalist. I am also the parent of a trust-fund baby. And I lived in Chicago once, which is where President Barack Obama, who might be a Muslim, is from. 

You accuse me of being uneducated about other races and ethnicities, and that is just so untrue and unfair. Not only do I have a house in Menlo Park, which is next to Palo Alto, which means “tall stick” in Spanish, I also have a house in Martha’s Vineyard, where there are fishermen. Also, my wife, whose name is Karen, can use chopsticks. 

As you can see, we are very diverse. Just ask the Oriental rugs, which are from the Orient, in our parlor. 

I recognize that these are very difficult times. For me. But I am willing to work with you to give me the accommodations that I really need. 

For one, can you please take the final exam? It’s really not that hard, because I solved it in less than an hour. My wife, whose name is Karen, told me that I needed to finish grading before we visit the Hamptons.

Also, can you stop the protests? They’re starting to scare me.

Adiós y de nada,

Professor Chad von White

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Elizabeth “Betsy” Kim at ebkim ‘at’ stanford.edu.